They aren’t moments I want to remember. Nightly, sitting in front of the tv telling myself I should be doing something else. Something more productive. The dishes need washed. A pile of books to read. A load of laundry. Vacuuming the floor. Or just sitting, watching tv, just waiting for the appropriate time to turn it off and go to sleep. My thoughts get slower. I can feel a gradual descent. Spiraling down until I’m three floors lower and I don’t know how I got here but here I am. The weight is this lofty thing, defying possibility and hovering above me. I can feel it’s presence and worry over it landing completely and suffocating me. There’s tears in my eyes and I don’t know where the sadness came from or why it’s here but I know it is and if I can just get myself to sleep, I can ignore it.
And the dreams are chaos. Too much detail. Too much thought. Too long. Too many colors. Too many characters. After a few days or a week of them, they’re just expected and I miss the nights of silence and black and rest. The majority of the too many details fade as I wake and, by the afternoon, I can’t recall a single one.
I’m sitting there and she’s asking me a question. If I made the call. And I nod and she’s happy because she thinks that’s the right decision. She believes it’s chronic, this sadness and this panic and the way they intertwine, and she thinks this will help. But I don’t want it. I don’t want to keep opening my wallet. Everything costs money. I feel like I’m throwing it at people. I don’t understand how my brain broke or what’s wrong with my stomach or the why my shoulders and head ache. I think my toe is really broken. And I haven’t told anyone because they’ve all forgotten by now but it’s still swollen and redder than the others and sometimes it still hurts and even starts to hurt right below my toe and I really think I fucked it up and what can they do for a toe anyway? Because they thought my wrist was broken and then made me pay four hundred dollars and it’s not even broken but it still hurts sometimes and really I just think this is my lot in life – – that things hurt sometimes and there’s no rhyme or reason and there’s no way to fix it so you just keep moving and keep using your wrist and keep walking on your toe and keep using your brain and keep eating food and hoping your stomach digests it properly and keeping going into situations where you’re uncomfortable and just grin and bear it and hope the smile doesn’t fall off of your face because when it does everyone thinks you hate them even though the truth is you just don’t have the energy to pick the smile off of the ground right now because your toe hurts and your wrist aches a bit and your head is pounding and you’re sick to your stomach and your brain is breaking and it’s making your thoughts slow but you have to worry above all else about how you’re being perceived and then everyone wonders why you just want to stay in your apartment and not come out and really you just want to feel safe and just want to not have to put up any kind of front and you can’t help but do so when you’re around people and when you don’t they wonder what’s wrong and want you to talk about it but your thoughts are slow and you can feel your mood effecting them and you just want to go back to bed and look up jobs you can have while not having to leave your house and you wonder if those jobs come with insurance and other benefits because you have those things now and it still cost you four hundred dollars for them to tell you there was nothing wrong with your wrist so you didn’t even bother asking anyone again why it still hurts sometimes.
It’s just too much.