“Not much for conversation, still find need to pray. Sometimes I get tired of walking through these ordinary days.”

Yesterday, I think I freaked my friend out. He left me alone for a minute or two as he changed and when he came back out to get me, I was in a completely different mood. He hugged me goodbye and pulled away and looked at me.

He asked if I was okay.

I was too thrown off to lie.

I said I think so. Maybe I said I didn’t think so. Either way, I was confused. So was he (rightly so). He took a step back and asked what was wrong.

“If nothing else I get to see you, even if we never speak. All the words and sometimes we don’t quite know what they really mean.”

But I didn’t know. My mind had become muddled. I felt so sad and anxious at the same time. He was concerned. I went back to my apartment and immediately got in bed and started watching White Collar, mainly because usually it can calm me down. But throughout the entire episode, my heart felt like it was racing. My mind felt empty and overwhelmed simultaneously. 

“Let me lay down in this field and stare up at the sky, hope the days and clouds turn into something as they pass us by.”

When I was feeling a little better, I texted my friend to apologize if I had made him uncomfortable. He was fine, just wanted to know if I was okay. I tried to explain the feeling to him, and he was still really concerned. I told him I was fine.

It happens sometimes.

But why does it happen sometimes? Why, when I least expect it, do I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. Usually it happens at night or if I’ve been alone for a long period of time. But it was five in the evening and I had just been hanging out with several people for the past four hours or so.

“Maybe you could settle for a skyline faded blue. Hope you might settle for this love I have for you.”

But really, I’m fine. I didn’t end up having a panic attack. I just took it easy for the rest of the night and woke up with only slight side effects of exhaustion. I just want to know why it happens, you know? What am I ignoring to the point that my body caves under the stress of it?

Good thing God’s in control. Good thing He knows what’s going on.

Goodness knows I don’t.

“I don’t know where, I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but Your love can make these things better. Your love makes these things better.”


Lyrics from “Ordinary Days” by Jars of Clay


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