Over and over I’m told I don’t need to apologize. Unfortunately, I’m still convinced that I do.
I am so sorry for wasting your time. You swear that I don’t but I cannot see it any other way. Patiently, you ask me question after question, trying to understand. I am incredibly grateful for that. But today, I just couldn’t think straight. And I couldn’t explain myself. And every time you asked a question, my mind went blank. And yet, it was so full, I felt as though I would explode.
It is so frustrating to feel trapped inside your own mind with no chance of uttering the words you need to.
Tears began to fill my eyes.
Yes. I am upset. I’m upset with myself for being the way I am. I’m upset because I couldn’t think straight so I ended up talking in circles. I’m upset because you are trying so hard to understand and I’m terrified you’re going to think your efforts are futile. Because I’m scared I’ll begin to annoy you because you want to hear what I have to say but I have no words for it. Because I cannot be tricked into saying something I don’t want to say. Because maybe I’ve been silent for so long that maybe I’ve lost my voice. Because I’m literally that disgusted with myself.
Yes, I’m upset.
I’m so terribly sorry.