I closed my eyes and tried to take myself away from here. Where could I go in an instant? What could I think about for a distraction?
My mind wouldn’t let me go though. Instead, it buzzed with everything I wanted to say.
This isn’t my responsibility! This is your job!
How dare you behave like this. For goodness sake, act your age!
Are you really that insecure?
Well, maybe if you actually took the time and effort to make it at least seem that you care, it wouldn’t be like this. It doesn’t matter what you say, you have to prove it by your actions! Plus, most of what you say is negative!
But, alas, I’ve learned to bite my tongue.
I just wish all this didn’t effect me. I wish I could get used to it. I wish it didn’t put a lump in my throat or make me feel like there was something vile inside of me that I had to get out. Because I can do nothing about it. So here I sit, completely helpless with nothing to do.
And here’s the catch:
If I do admit that any if this has effected me, then I will get an earful. And I am so tired of that.
So I won’t speak. I will lock it down inside of me and there it will stay because there it has to stay. And, though it sounds quite simple, it is anything but. Because lately, when this has happened, when I’ve sat ideally by, my heart starts to race. I can feel the tension build up inside of me. Then my hands start to tremble. Sometimes, I can feel all of the heat rise to my face. I feel like I look like a cartoon and, if I could only see a mirror, I’d see smoke pouring out of my ears.
I don’t know how to fix this. And I’m pretty sure that I can’t.
And I can’t stand it.