I’ve always had high expectations of people. I’m not quite sure why. Maybe because I hold such high expectations of myself. My mother always told me to quit. She recognized it pretty early on.
She was right. I guess I thought I could high expectations of you.
I realize now I can’t. But I still want to. Taking away those expectations takes away any possible way to hold you accountable. Maybe that’s real forgiveness though. When we let go of everything we’ve held against someone. Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s the exact definition of forgiveness.
I don’t really want to forgive you. The ridiculously stubborn side of me screams of how you don’t deserve it. But I don’t deserve it either.
And you put up with me.
Better yet, God forgives me continuously for all of the things I do wrong on a daily basis. He puts up with me. And let’s just be honest: if anyone has a reason not to put up with me, it’s Him. He knows the most about me. He understands the inner workings of every messed up part of me and yet He still chooses to forgive me and care for me. And I’m the least from deserving it.
So I should be able to forgive you.
But let’s say I did. Right now, I just let it go and that was that. But I know that the next time I see you, you’ll inevitably do something or say something you just flat out shouldn’t say. Then I will have to forgive you again. And I am so accustomed to having this little box inside of me where I collect all the the grievances that I have against you. I don’t forget things. (Oh, how I wish I could!)
And how to I forgive you but not excuse you? Is it not the same thing?
Basically, forgiveness is very hard. And I don’t know if it makes it harder or easier that you will never ask for it.