I hate not being able to sleep. I’ve had a few bad nights this week but last night was the worst. I was up for three and a half hours in the middle of the night for no good reason. I tried reading and watching my favorite movie. I even went down and ate breakfast at four thirty in the morning. I was just restless and uncomfortable. For no reason. I hate it.
I’ve been exhausted all day, which also isn’t pleasant. This is mainly because I find I am completely emotionally unstable when I’m this tired. It’s pathetic.
Now I’m just waiting until it’s dark enough outside that I can try to sleep again.
I want to go away. Somewhere far and new. Somewhere where I don’t know anyone so I don’t have to worry about anyone. And I want to not feel bad about all I leave behind. I want to not care. Throw caution to the wind. Do whatever I want.
I don’t know where I would go. Europe maybe. Find a tiny, tiny flat that cost almost nothing. Find a job that’s easy and low profile.
Maybe Washington. I’ve heard it’s gorgeous there. I feel like it would have really cold winters but I like the cold so that’s okay. I think there are lots of trees and mountains so that would be wonderful.
And I would want to have money. Lots of it. That sounds incredibly selfish but I just don’t want to have to depend on anyone or ask anyone for help or owe anyone anything. I didn’t mean to now. I just can’t help it. I don’t even know if I could have changed anything if I could redo everything.
Maybe Nevada. There are ranches out there, right? Maybe I could be a ranch hand. Or help cook for ranch hands. Then I could learn how to ride horses and I could just ride through the fields for hours. And I could learn how people from Nevada actually pronounce Nevada.
I think it’s dark enough to sleep now.
I’m just…. I’m just so tired.