I do this thing where I’ll just be sitting there and I’ll gasp suddenly. It scares people. It only happens when I’m just sitting there. Someone once told me it was an anxiety thing… I have no clue if I believe her or not, just because I never knew if I should believe half of what she said.
Either way, that’s been happening with annoying frequency today.
So I was just sitting on my futon, thinking about regulating my breathing, when I heard it. A buzzing noise. Best case senario, a fly was caught in my fan. I was hoping it would just go away if I didn’t acknowledge it. But it just kept buzzing. I looked around my room, trying to locate the noise when I saw it: a giant bug flitting around on my wall.
It didn’t take long for the flight or fight response to kick in. I literally ran from the room.
I’m afraid of a lot of things but one thing is for sure- bees are pretty darn high on that list. Terrified. So clearly, if it was a bee, I was not going to be able to sleep in that room unless it wasn’t there.
Unhelpful thoughts of, “This is why I need a man” raced around the more logical, helpful thoughts of how to get it out. And preferably dead.
I grabbed a roommates shoe and slowly tip toed back into my room. I sat down in the edge of my futon and waited until it revealed itself. Finally, my eyes found it, in the corner of one of my picture frames.
How in the world was I supposed to smash it there?
I got the vacuum from the closest and found it had one of those tube attachments. That was exciting. But I couldn’t get myself close enough to get the thing.
My roommate ended up smashing it with a hand towel as I stood outside of the room shuddering, Honestly the biggest bee either of us has ever seen. It was terrifying. I’m just starting to clam down, though I feel like bugs are crawling on me and every time one of the two lady bugs in my room moves, I jump.
Clearly this isn’t helping with the breathing thing.
Bees make sense. When I see them, I get scared. I shudder. I freeze. I run. It makes sense.
If the breathing thing is anxiety, it’s anxiety over something I’m not thinking about. This is frustrating. If I don’t know why it’s happening, how am I supposed to stop it? And honestly, it was happening so much in class today that I thought someone was going to say something. I hate it. And I feel like it’s amped up lately. Nothing was even wrong today.
Bees make sense. If they sting me, I could have an allergic reaction and that would be bad.
But the fears that aren’t tangible? I can’t get my roommate to kill those.