I don’t really ever expect to sleep well.
That’s probably not good. I mean, there’s most likely something true about wishful thinking. So I really shouldn’t say things like that. Or then again, maybe I’m too superstitious.
Either way, in saying that, it’s not really a surprise to me that I haven’t slept through the night this week. It hasn’t been bad at all though. Usually I wake up and turn off my mp3 player and then fall back asleep. No big deal. So really, I’ve been sleeping pretty well this week. The actual sleeping hasn’t been a problem.
The problem is the dreaming.
I used to dream a lot, or at least a good amount compared to others I would talk to. And I used to remember a lot of my dreams and analyze them endlessly. I liked that. I wouldn’t mind doing that again.
But I can’t really remember the dreams I’ve had in the past week. It’s more of the fact that I remember the feelings they invoke in me.
How weird does that sound?
I wake up feeling… fearful I think. Maybe a little disgusted. The kind of feeling that makes you shudder. It’s like my mind won’t completely wrap around the feeling, I just know I don’t like it. I also wake up feeling guilty. Like, really guilty. I don’t know why. The first dream had to do with my sister- like I had wronged her in some way and I felt horrible. The first night was the worst. The nights following haven’t been as bad but I’ll remember the feeling randomly later and kind of cringe. I don’t know what set these dreams off. I don’t know why I’m having them. I don’t normally have bad dreams. And these certainly aren’t nightmares by any stretch of the imagination– I mean, clearly, I can’t even remember them. But I don’t feel good when I think about them. I even got kind of anxious thinking about going to bed last night. I didn’t want to deal with another dream. And last night wasn’t fun because of that. I was just watching tv and guilt was consuming me. I couldn’t think of anything to do. I wanted to make something but I don’t have anything to make things with. I finally settled on my drawing pad and a pencil and I doodled designs for over an hour and that helped me calm down a little bit.
I just wish I wasn’t so sensitive to things sometimes. Dreams you can’t even remember shouldn’t effect you.
But I’ve never been prone to make sense.