This is going to be depressing but I need to say it. And I have no place to say it currently.
Today, some really good people tried to make my day really special. They tried to make me feel celebrated. They treated me kindly and did everything right.
And I feel unbearably, desperately sad.
I can’t explain it. They left me alone for 15 minutes and I teared up almost immediately. Then they came and took me to dinner and then to get ice cream. With people I enjoy.
I felt exhusted. I wanted so badly for the night to be over so I could be left alone. I missed friends who have moved away in the presence of friends who are here. I felt unable to feel positive emotions- they only thing I felt was a tiredness and a numbness that only gave way to sadness when I found myself alone for a moment.
I feel so bad. I was a mere shadow of myself. Just a resemblance of who I am and who I wanted to be tonight. I am horribly overwhelmed with sadness and I don’t know why. Shouldn’t I at least know why?
There are no other words for it. It’s a deep kind of sadness that finds a place to rest in your very bones.
I should be so grateful. I should be so loving and kind to these kind people who have been nice to me all day. And yet… I’m disappointed.
I don’t think I’m disappointed with them. Just with me. For feeling this sadness so deeply. For feeling it at all. For sitting here crying after a wonderful day.
I have no reason to feel this sad. But it’s the only thing I can feel.
Tomorrow, I will wake up. I will walk. I will pray. And then I will put the heavy smile back on my face. Because that’s what you do. Especially when you can’t explain yourself, even to yourself.