If.

I sighed and put the book I was trying to read aside. I turned to the open windows; the sun was low in the sky and turning the trees to gold. I felt my forehead draw in on itself as I searched the motionless blue sky for answers. And none came.

The stillness of the world around me was somewhat unsettling. That feeling comes when my mind is racing with thoughts and/or anxiety and the quiet surrounding me seems… Seems to be hiding something, I guess. Because you know that the world is not as peaceful as this moment seems. Because you know, because you feel, the chaos. Inside of you.

The sky gave me no answers of what to do. No tip on how to concentrate on my homework. No ideas on how to write the conclusion of my paper. It stared back at me, without emotion. It’s eyes empty, beckoning me to answer my own questions. The leaves just barely rustled through the trees, conveying a peace, a calm I couldn’t connect with.

When my mind is racing, somehow without thought, I cannot think properly. I cannot concentrate because so many other things, or one other thing, demands my attention and dominates my mind. If I could just draw in. If I could just put on blinders. If I could just block out everything but the homework in front of me. If I could see it as homework, as just one more paragraph. If. If. If.

-Melissa

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