Do you know what it’s like to feel this way? I can’t describe it. It’s almost a physical feeling. It’s like there’s a balloon in my chest that keeps getting blown up and I’m just waiting for it to pop. The pressure pushes against my organs and muscles and bones. It forces itself upward, through my shoulders and upper arms. I feel like I’m going to explode. I try to bury myself but I can find no comfort. Because it’s not like some outward pain that can be escaped. It’s inside of me. And it comes in the waves. Even, or maybe more so, when I feel numb, it comes, nameless, in the waves.
Yesterday was one of the worst days so far in this. I felt it when I woke up. I couldn’t keep my own head up. Constantly, I held it up with my hands, propping it up. I had no energy. I had someone text me after a group meeting. She thought I had been mad or fed up or something. “I was just tired.” I came home in the middle of the day, skipping work. My roommate asked me if I was okay. “I’m just tired.” I got into bed and slept until my alarm woke me two hours later. I stumbled out of bed, didn’t bother looking in the mirror, and left for class. I went to a dinner party thing last night and it was fun. When I’m with people… it kind of feels like a band-aid on a bullet hole. I can fake it. I can cover it up. But it’s getting harder. People ask me if I’m okay. “Yeah, I’m just tired.” I went to bed and hour or two before I normally do. I didn’t even want to watch tv.
I’m supposed to leave for the weekend today. I really don’t want to go. Goodness, I really don’t want to go. I just want to stay in bed all weekend. My roommate is gone. The house is quiet. And I don’t want to leave. I have so much homework and I’m so worried about it. I have group projects which make me nervous because I can barely do school work on my own, let alone with others. Can’t life just pause? Just for a day. Just so I can sleep. Just so I can lay in bed and not have to be going going going? I just need a break. I just need to pause. I’m so worried I won’t be able to keep up with how fast life is. I’m so scared.
Yesterday a couple of my friends weren’t doing very well. I asked them questions and probed for answers. That’s what you’re supposed to do, you know? You’re supposed to see people. You’re supposed to let them know you see them and that’s it’s okay. You’re supposed to be safe enough for them to tell you the truth. You’re supposed to listen when they talk and you’re not supposed to brush them off.
How am I supposed to leave for the weekend when I can’t get out of bed?