I’ve always been pretty confident. Sure, I have my insecurities- some of which are pretty significant. But I’ve always known who I am. I don’t have a problem going against the grain. I know I’m strong and independent. I have a confidence I can’t describe… especially because it doesn’t make since when compared to other qualities I have.
I’ve always known who I am. Sure, I’m continually learning more, but I’m aware of myself.
That’s why it feels weird to say… I kind of feel like I’ve lost myself.
But then again, maybe this is me. Maybe this kind of pain is just mixed in with my blood and runs through my veins. Maybe I’ve been denying it. Maybe I’ve always been like this.
Or maybe this is the new me. Maybe the old me has passed away and this has come.
I just don’t know.
For example, why do I help people? Because honestly? I’m a pretty good friend. I’m pretty good at lending a hand. But why? Is it because people need help? Is it because I want to show them love? Is it because I’m supposed to do good and I want to live up to that? Is it because I want people to know that I see them, even when they feel like no one does?
Or…Or is it because it makes me feel good? Is it so they’ll say nice things about me when I’m not around? Is it so they’ll like me? Is it because I want to do good and I want all the credit for it? Is it because, in my selfishness, I want to be seen as selfless?
A while ago, I used to wish I could put all my pain in a bucket like water so people could just dip their finger in and maybe start to understand. Just get a glimpse. Now, the metaphor has changed. What would it be like to have a gauge on our foreheads- just a simple dial like the one that shows you how much gas you have in your car? And it would show the level of pain you’re in. Maybe it would ding or make some sort of noise when it got in the red. Maybe if people could see it… Then maybe we’d be easier on each other.
It’s just a fantasy. Not even a good one because I would hate it. Because I’d have to explain myself a lot. I’d have to lie a lot more.
I just… I think I’ve lost myself. I think I’m gone. Which really sucks because… well, now I don’t know who the hell I am anymore. I’m like a rotting shadow of the person I once was and… I’m just so tired of holding my past self up and acting like the weight of it isn’t crushing me.