I’m think I’m supposed to be excited.
People keep asking how I’m feeling about the opportunity I stepped into today. I’m supposed to be something- nervous, scared, excited, happy, expectant. Just something. Anything really.
I don’t feel anything.
There’s a part of me that is nervous about all the things piling up on my to-do list. But it’s just this low murmur. I can hear it sometimes, but I can’t feel it.
I don’t know. It’s like when I start to think about almost anything, it’s like I hit a wall. And I can’t see past it. In fact, it’s all I see. Just this blank wall in front of me, turning my vision to grey.
I guess I can feel pain. And this pressure– like I’ll explode. I can feel sadness because of the lack of feeling. Everything is lightly coated with irritability. It kind of feels like my insides are turning to stone too. Like the wall.
I’m not sure how honest I should be. I don’t know if I should tell the people I’m working with how bad this is. I think someone could tell today. I think she noticed my lack of expression. My lack of feeling. I would have never pegged her as being perceptive, but I think she might be. I wish I could up more of a front but… I can’t. I don’t care. I don’t even want to care.
There’s a few people around me who know I haven’t been doing well. Their lack of care for me is surprising. Almost shocking. It’s disappointing. It’s hurtful. I can feel that. The hurt. At the same time, I’m… not surprised. People just… they don’t give a fuck. I care. Or sometimes do. In any case, I used to. I used to care so well for people. Obviously not well enough. Because if I had done well, wouldn’t someone being caring for me now?
Wow. This sucks.
I’m really not doing well. Like, really not doing well. And no one around me… I feel like no one around me cares.
At least I can feel that I guess.