I’ve realized my best days lately have been the days that I don’t have to interact with a single other human being. It’s the days I’ve been able to wake up and not leave my apartment all day, not having to speak to anyone or think about anything. The days where all I do, honestly, is watch tv. I know that sounds pathetic and like I should get a life and what the heck is wrong with me but…
You see, when I do have to interact with someone, I come back to my silent apartment and feel… just empty.
When I can just watch tv all day, there’s always noise. I never have to stop it. I never have to think. So that’s what I did all day today. And then someone texted me and asked if I wanted to help them with something real quick. So I did. And it took ten minutes. And now, for the first time today, I feel… just so sad again. Yesterday I cried in public. Twice. The two nights before, I cried before going to sleep. Today, I’ve been great. And all it took was one interaction and I have tears in my eyes again.
I just… I can’t believe this is what my life is like, you know? When you think about the future, you never think about the pain. You never think about the loneliness that could attack you. You never think about the bad things that will happen. You never think you’ll be sad for months on end and get to this point where you feel like you’re never going to get better.
I really wish I wasn’t responsible. I really wish I could leave all my responsibilities behind without a second thought. I really wish I could just buy a plane ticket and be somewhere else. I wish I could just start over. Be somewhere new where there are no expectations of me. I wish I could cut all ties and only worry about myself. I wish I could find a cabin to stay in for a month in the mountains and not have to speak to anyone the entire time.
But the loneliness would follow me. This pain would follow me– will follow me– wherever I go.
How do you escape something that’s in your mind?
Damn it. I really thought I’d get through today without crying. I thought I’d be okay today.
I feel like I can’t be reached. If I’m this lonely, it’s gotta be my fault, right? I’ve gotta be putting something up. I’ve gotta be putting something out there that makes people turn away. This is my fault.
Sorry, I’m spiraling. I’ll stop.