Lose.

I read your words again. I saw your anxiousness and nervousness and fear leak through your message. And I realized something:

You’re just as afraid of losing me as I am about losing you.

See, if you were someone else, maybe I wouldn’t understand why you were doing what you’re doing. But you’re… you. And I know you. I’ve observed you and your patterns for years now. I know your mannerisms and your tells.

I think you think this is how it has to be. And you’re scared. And you just want to what’s best. I commend that!

You’re just doing it wrong.

And you’re waiting for my reply. And I know you know this, but I wish you’d let it sink in: I’m really struggling right now. And I have been since before you dropped this bomb on my head and my heart. So I have all of this pain and confusion and you dropped a nice big batch of each on top of my already heavy load. And besides all of that, I have responsibilities that are piling so damn high and the pile just keeps getting higher because I don’t have the energy to attack the to-do list.

Just… the sadness and the weight today were too much. I know you need something from me right now but I just don’t have the energy to deal with this today. And I know I won’t tomorrow either.

I wish you understood. I wish you understood my situation. I wish you realized what you were doing. I wish you understood you and why you’re reacting this way. I wish you understood healthy ways of dealing with this.

I really hate that you’re adding to the sadness. It makes me… well, sad. Friend, I know you didn’t want to, but I had enough already. I don’t think you would have done this right now if you knew what I feel like. If you could get inside my mind and feel the emptiness. I just feel so… defeated. So helpless. And it’s not your fault. I just don’t have the energy to figure this out right now, but I know you need me to.

I hope I can get some energy in the next couple of days. Because, while I think I may lose all of the best parts of our friendship, I don’t want to lose you completely.

And I know you don’t want to lose me.

-Melissa

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