Know.

I finally told someone I really care about today that I’ve been dealing with depression for months now.

I’ve been thinking about telling them for months, but I could never get it out. I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want them to worry about me, or because we don’t talk very often and I’m just hoping it’ll be gone next time I see them, or because I don’t know how they’ll react, or because I think they won’t believe me, or what. I haven’t been able to figure it out. I’ve just avoided it.

But I told them today.

You know what was funny? They said they were glad I realized what it was. They said they were glad I’ve grown and can put a name to it now. Because they’ve seen me go through it before. And they were glad I recognized it for what it was. They didn’t know I’d been struggling with it lately–and I can’t remember the exact words– but they’ve known I’m prone to it.

Now, looking back over the time I’ve known them, I wonder when they thought I had depression. I mean, I have my guesses, but as they pointed out, I didn’t recognize it at the time.

I wonder why they didn’t tell me at the time. Honestly, I think it’s good they didn’t and I’m glad they didn’t, but I still kind of wonder why. If I hadn’t been running off to my next class, I would have pressed for further details.

But… I don’t know. I guess I didn’t know what they thought about depression. Maybe that’s why I was afraid to say anything. I didn’t know if they thought it was a weakness or if they thought it wasn’t real. They didn’t see me differently though. And they believed me. And I need people to believe me. I had a dream a few weeks ago that someone I didn’t even know didn’t believe me when I said I had depression and it hurt so deeply that when it came to my mind the next day, tears immediately came to my eyes. I need people to believe me. Anyway.

The crazy thing about it is that it was a relief to hear them say those things.  It was a relief that they cared about me just as much when they answered the phone as when we hung up. It was a relief that they know me so well.

-Melissa

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