I have a favorite tv show. I kind of try not to because I feel bad for my second favorite. Which is absolutely ridiculous and I’m aware of that.
Anyway, I watched the series finale of my favorite tv show today. I’ve seen it only once before and it was shocking and I wasn’t ready for it and I didn’t know if I liked the way it all ended. And I sobbed uncontrollably.
This time going in, I knew it was coming. And I knew exactly what was coming. I was able to catch a million things I hadn’t seen before. I understand, and even think I like, the way it ended. All this despite the emotional turmoil it caused while I was watching it the first time through.
And, even though I’d seen it before, one thing about my response did not change: I sobbed uncontrollably.
I’ve been thinking a lot about grief lately. I have been for a while. Probably because I constantly feel like I’m grieving. Maybe that’s the whole thing: maybe depression has hit because I’m grieving a million things and my mind couldn’t fight it anymore. Who knows. But now I even have to grieve the days that pass. The days that pass that I will never get back that I wasted in isolation and silence and pain.
The concept of grieving is especially confusing to me because I’m not sure I agree with the five stages. Well, I’m just not sure I believe the last stage occurs.
I guess maybe some people can get to this stage. Or maybe I just don’t understand what the stage means. I guess I can’t go along with the thought because it seems that when you reach that final stage, you’re done. You’re done grieving and mourning. You’re done crying. You’re done bargaining and being depressed and burying yourself in denial.
That’s what made me sob watching it this second time through. Because though the story is fictional, the feelings are real. That moment when you- just for a second- think everything is alright. I know a few years ago, I’d wake up from good dreams completely deluded to think that the dreams I had had were real and everything was okay. They’re cruel dreams. Because, just a second later, you realize… nothing is okay. It’s the moments you think you see someone out of the corner of your eye, even though you know you’ll never see them again. It’s the times your mind automatically reaches out toward people who have left you and your hand grasp empty air.
I also sobbed because I hated watching them in pain. They smiled and carried on conversation like everything was normal but then they’d turn away and I’d see that look in their eye. I’d see the pain of separation played out in even the way they said their words and the way they carried themselves.
No, I don’t think grief ever ends. I don’t even know that it should. All I know is that it’s there, haunting us. And I know our culture doesn’t seem to give us room to mourn.
All I know is that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to accept it.