Do you know what it’s like to pick up the phone to call someone, but not know who to call? To spin the phone in your hand aimlessly as you go through a list of names of people you know? Do you know what it’s like to not be able to land on a single name?
I think one of the most isolating, disheartening, lonely things about my life right now is that when I need to call someone, I don’t have anyone to call. And there’s definitely not anyone my age. I miss having friends who I feel connected with and who feel connected with me. Like, honestly? What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m just… at a standstill. And I don’t know what to do. And I’ve texted a couple people and called a couple, and no one is responding. Like… goodness.
What if something was really wrong? What if I really needed someone to talk to. And, I do now, but what if it was really serious?
There’s just been so many times these past few months that I’ve thought, “How is this my life?”
I guess I can write about it.
Basically, I’ve been asked to interview for jobs that I don’t want. And I don’t want to interview with them. That’s not me. I only go after something if I want it. But how do you turn down job interviews? I mean, honestly, what if I don’t get a job and it’s because I didn’t just suck it up and interview at this place I’d be unhappy at? And one of the jobs just asked for a second interview. First of all, why? Seriously, I didn’t do well in that interview- what in the world are they thinking? But… I have no idea if I should go. And no one will answer their damn phone! I mean, I called people I’d be totally uncomfortable talking on the phone with- like my profs- and not even they have answered. But really? Why didn’t I have someone above my teachers that I could call? How is this real?! I don’t know what to do. I’m hungry and losing energy but I’m not home and I don’t have money to go eat out again.
Hey look. Someone finally texted me back.
Life feels sad.
Whatever. Like, what the hell am I supposed to do about it?