I sighed. In the midst of such a menial task, I… wow. I was so tired. My arms felt heavy, my legs felt weak. I gave in. I stopped what I was doing and just sat on the floor. My body caved in on itself and I breathed deeply with relief. Relief in simply not moving.
I needed to keep getting ready. I needed to write a paper. I needed to move.
I continued to sit on the floor.
My head curled down, looking over my body as I sat cross-legged. I always think of myself as bigger, taller than I am. I rarely feel as small as I think other people probably see me. But looking at the way my legs curled beneath me, I felt small. I looked as small as I felt weak. I thought about that for awhile. My thoughts were slow. Lazy. They are almost always now. I was tired.
. . . .
I hate group projects. One that I’m in right now really irked me because what I just wrote above was my mindset before I wrote my part of the paper. But I still did it. And yet, when I arrived at our group meeting, two of the people in our group of four had not done the work they said they would have done by that point. Incredibly frustrating to me. If I can write four and a half pages in that state, don’t you think you could muster up enough strength and responsibility to write your two?
I also hate group projects when I’m like this because other people are depending on me. There’s been a few times this year when I turn something in literally moments before it’s due, using every last second I have. With a group project, I can’t do that. I can’t just worry about me. And that’s hard sometimes, you know?
. . . .
I haven’t been sleeping a lot lately. Five or six hours per night, when I know I need about seven and a half. But… I don’t know. When it comes down to it, I don’t have the motivation to turn off the tv and turn off the lights and go to bed. I think it’s the silence. I think I’m afraid of thinking. So I just keep watching tv so I don’t have to turn it off and face the void that will follow. I think I’m afraid I won’t go to sleep right away and then I’ll have to think and face all I’ve hidden behind a fragile wall in my mind. I tell myself if I stay up later, there will be a greater chance of me going to sleep right away when I turn out the light.
I also think I don’t want to go to sleep because I know when I go to sleep, I’ll just have to wake up and face the new day. It’s not that the new day will be bad, it just won’t be a day I can stay curled up in bed watching tv. And, in that moment, that’s where I am- curled up in bed watching tv. And I know if I turn out the light and go to sleep, the next morning I will have to leave the warmth and safety of my covers. I know sleeping will lead to work or class and people I have to interact with, even if I don’t have the strength or energy to do so.
So I stay up too late. And then I’m tired the next day, probably not helping anything at all. Probably actually making it worse. But I’m pretty apathetic right now. I mean, I don’t really…care. I don’t really care that I’m tired. I don’t really care that I’m struggling. I don’t really care that I’m staying up too late. I just don’t… really… care.
. . . .
I leaned my head against my hand. I stared into nothing. I clapped when I was supposed to. I nodded when I needed to. I spoke when I was spoken to.
Depression is kind of a bitch.