I was actually doing pretty well today.
Well… Kind of. I wasn’t doing well, but I was handling the not doing well pretty darn well. I was fighting anxiousness, but I had it tamed. So I guess this is my fault.
Because we she asked me to come hang out with them, I didn’t really want to. I was good. Alone. But I, in a second, thought about how I wouldn’t have many more opportunities for this. So I shrugged asked her to wait so I could put shoes on.
Nothing really happened. Nothing bad happened. I just sat around with these people that I should feel some sort of connection with and I just…didn’t. I felt no pull towards them. I felt nothing towards them. I just sat and waited for the time to pass. I laughed when something was actually funny. I paid attention to the conversation. I even played a game.
I gave up though. And as I walked back home, tears flooded my eyes. A voice whispered in my mind, “There’s nothing here for you anymore.” This place– this home– was like a well that ran dry. And I had used every last drop. But now my time was up. There was nothing left for me anymore. A few, a scarce few, people I cared about would still be here, but I needed to move on.
The tears in my eyes were less for that thought and more for the fact that I have no where to go. No where to be. The tears in my eyes were more for the fact that I had nothing holding me here anymore. My attachments had been severed; some had never been there in the first place. A whole year of feeling lonely and no sense of belonging had passed. And while here is still comfortable, it’s not comforting.
You see? I shouldn’t have gone out tonight. I am better alone. Without expectations on myself or others. At least in this place, I am better alone.
I hope when I look back on this time, years from now, I’ll be able to see it’s beauty again. That I’ll be able to remember with more clarity than I have now. I hope I’ll be able to see it’s colors again. Because, they’ve drained from my view. It’s like a sunset turned black and white and it’s… it’s just not able to captivate you the way it used to. I’m sure that’s at least partially depression’s fault, but I hope when I look back, I’ll be able to see the colors of this place again.
There are so many unanswered questions. I don’t know where to call home.