I didn’t sleep well last night. Which especially isn’t great because I just haven’t been getting enough sleep lately. I think I was too warm or something. The second time I woke up, I was having pretty bad anxiety too, which made it harder to fall asleep. Like actually just laying there, imagining one of my worst fears. Pretty dang miserable, honestly. But when I did sleep, I dreamt. That’s where you come in
Last time someone did this to me, I dreamed about them all the time. All the time. It was almost expected. They consumed my thoughts, when I was conscious and when I wasn’t. It’s probably not that bad with you because I’ve pretty much given up on you. Like, completely.
But dreaming about you last night was just… it felt too real. It felt normal. You came into the room I was in and I tried to ignore you. You were quiet and I talked to someone else, but I knew you were walking toward me. Silently, you just held out a grocery bag full of little gifts you had gotten me- typical you fashion, you know? Just a bunch of cheap, random things you knew I’d like or get a kick out of. And I just started crying and grabbed the bag from you and hugged you. You asked if that meant I forgave you and I quickly pulled away, stubbornly saying, “No!” But the thing was, we both knew I’d forgiven you instantly.
I woke up feeling wounded and tired and just completely out of sorts.
You’re so dumb. I can’t believe this is still happening. You. You let me down. Of all freaking people! I can’t scrub my mind clean of you. I’m still waiting for your invitation in the mail. You face is still in my photographs. Memories of you still cover so many odds and ends in my life.
Tomorrow will be three months since we’ve spoken. In my experience, there’s no coming back from that.