I was watching one of my favorite tv shows and the episode was all about friendship lost. The episode ended softly with dialogue from a guest character. He spoke of what it was like when the friend you always pictured by your side suddenly wasn’t there anymore. What it was like when you always pictured sitting by your best friend in a rocking chair on a porch somewhere when you were 85, but now that rocking chair is gone, and you see yourself without them.

This character was sitting in the back of the car. The camera went to one of the two brothers sitting up front. It panned back and forth between them. They were left speechless as their current conflict, that the other character didn’t know about, was ruining them. Ruining their friendship, their brotherhood, and themselves as individuals.

The screen went black with them still silent. A sense of loss and hopelessness tangled in the quiet.

I watched the scene with tears in my eyes. Missing you came in strong yesterday. Apparently it’s still here today. There is so much that is new. And when my smile fades, a pain enters reminding me that I can share none of it with you.

I try to be patient with myself, knowing that there are still so many unknowns. Knowing that a friendship ending takes me years and years to adjust to and, even when I get over it, I never really get over with it.

But for now I just really miss you. I miss… everything. And none of this feels real because… you could never do this to me, right? You could never hurt me like this, right? Our friendship, our brotherhood, could never be ruined, right?

Then why…why is this happening?

But it’s over, isn’t it? I know the signs. Today you feel more distant. Maybe it’s because I’m allowing myself to think of you.

I guess I’m just rambling now. I miss you brother.



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