Mad.

This has been the third dream in the past four days that has been about you. This happened when he stopped being my friend too. Man, I dreamt about him all the time. His were usually sweet reunions though. Him assuring me in some way that it would be okay. And I’d wake up wishing that the dream was real. The dreams with him were so bittersweet, they left my heart aching for a friendship it couldn’t have.

The dreams with you are different. I’m mad. At least two of them, the first thing that came out of my mouth when I saw you was an automatic, “F*** you.” That’s the difference between him and you. With him, I have never been mad. I have no idea why he decided to leave our friendship, but I do know him– and I believe he left me because that’s what he thought was best for me. He thought he was horrible and he thought he was a bad influence and he thought he didn’t deserve my friendship and he was afraid of how deeply I cared for him when he thought he wasn’t worth caring for. Not so with you.

See, you’re just making stupid decisions. Yeah, you’re scared and confused and trying to do the best that you can, and I get that. But cutting me out? How the heck is that going to solve anything?

And you know me. He did too– in some ways, better than you, but he knew me less than a year. You’ve known me for what? Eight? Nine? And part of that means that you saw the pain I went through when he deserted me. Maybe not the extent of it, but you know it killed me. And now, you’re doing the same thing.

So I’m sad. Like broken-hearted-can-barely-stand sad at times. But I’m also mad. And I know, for once in my freaking life, that I don’t deserve this. For once, I know that I did nothing wrong. For once, I’m standing up for myself. So I’m mad.

I just wish you’d give me the chance to be mad and talk it out with you. I guess if you won’t, my subconscious will just live it out over and over and over again while I sleep.

-Melissa

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