I wonder when they’ll start to realize something’s wrong.
When they’ll realize every time they ask how I am, I say, “oh, I’m fine. Just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.” When they’ll realize I actually do spend 90% of my time alone and have no desire to change that. I wonder when they’ll realize that I say I never take naps, and yet, they keep catching me in the middle of them. I wonder when they’ll notice I seem almost like two different people.
I wonder when they’ll put it all together and realize I’m not okay.
But I am. That’s what they don’t know. That this version of me– this in between version– is actually better than the version of me I was a few months ago. I am okay right now. I have a couple hard days a week, but it’s not as bad as it was.
Come to think of it, this is probably what it was like for years of my life. Because they healthiest version of me, really, only lasted about two or three years. So maybe this in between me is the real me.
That’s what I’ll tell myself. That it’s acceptable to be this. To be bad, just not as bad as I was. I’ll tell myself that I’m in a transition and in a phase of healing and I just need to go easy on myself for a while. I just need to breathe easy for a while.
I’m so okay with not being totally okay. But I wonder when they’ll spend enough time with me to see the signs of depression that cover me. I think I used to be better at hiding. I really wish I was still just as good at it. But now… it’s like I’m too self-aware. I’ve lost the ability to hide from myself, so it makes it harder to hide from others.