Missing you.

Five years.

That’s a pretty long time. Not in the grand scheme of things. But in the everyday movement of life, five years is a long time.

Five years ago, we spoke for the last time. I don’t know how you did it, you know? I don’t know how you were such a good friend to me when you were only in my life for ten months. You made such a lasting impact. You cared so deeply about me. Because of that, it still blows my mind that you just…walked away.

You weren’t the first and you certainly weren’t the last, as I’m now drowning in new waves of pain because another friend left me.

It’s weird to think of you and I five years ago. I’m such a different person. I’m still me at my core, but I’ve changed so much. And I’m sure you have too. I don’t know you now. I know who you were, but I don’t know you.

I’m kind of numb to pain today. It’s been too much lately- I think my brain just turned it off. I’ve felt touches of it today as I’ve thought of you. It’s this dull ache for what should have been. It’s a concern for you.

I hope you know you are loved. I hope you’re doing well. I hope there is joy in your days. I hope you’ve grown and healed and have learned to love yourself. I hope God is more real to you than He’s ever been.

You left a document on my computer titled, “Music you should listen to.” It’s one of my playlists now. The last song is “Don’t Blame Yourself” by Andrew Belle. It isn’t like any of the other songs on the list– it doesn’t match the style at all. I’ve always wondered if you knew when you were making this list that you intended to push me away. I’ve always wondered if you placed it there to help me when you left.

“Don’t blame yourself ’cause I know that you try, But you need someone to be, Someone better than me in your life.”

It’s just… Well, it’s what you would have said to me. But… For the record… I didn’t need anyone better than you in my life. You were the best. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, ever tell you different.

Man. Five years. Five years since one of the worst days of my life. That’s not even kind of an exaggeration. And despite everything, one of the last things you said to me was, “You know I love you, right?” I did know. But I’m so weird with saying that. And one of my biggest regrets was that I didn’t say it back.

I love you too, friend. I have since the moment I met you, and I always will.

Missing you.




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