Selfish.

This is one of those posts that’s going to make me look like a horrible person. But it’s interesting.

So, for the past two years, I’ve been a part of this group that’s pretty… selfish. They’d deny it. Oh goodness, would they deny it. But honestly, everyone just looked out for themselves and couldn’t be bothered to go out of their way for another person. Even their “friends.” Obviously, there were exceptions. They could be nice. And at least one of them was faithful in breaking the rule. But most of the time, it was every man for himself.

I try to be a nice person. I really do. I try to go out of my way for people. But honesty? Being a part of that community for two years did a number on me. I felt like they didn’t care about me most of the time. It made me angry. It made me sad. It made me bitter to help any of them. It made me selfish.

Now, some (most) of that is my fault. I shouldn’t let other people’s actions– or lack thereof– determine how I treat them. But people rub off on me. Their selfishness rubbed off on me. And I hated, I hated that.

Since I’ve been away from them, I feel part of that selfishness falling away from me. I do things for other people effortlessly, without being asked, without expecting anything in return. I sound super egotistical saying that. But no one I know reads this blog and I’m just being…honest.

I’m a very selfish person, so I try to counteract that by being selfless. I love doing things for people. I love loving people. And for the past year, I kind of put that part of me to the side. But she seems to be coming back. I don’t even have to think about it. It just happened. I’m so relieved.

My word. When I left that group of people, everyone talked about how great we were. And maybe we were in our own right. But I didn’t fit. And I am so, so, so, so glad to leave that group of people behind. I know it makes me sound horrible (I warned you), but I hated what being around them did to me. And I hate that I feel that way.

-Melissa

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