I was scrolling through some old social media posts and, in the back of my mind, I was aware of how different my outlook on life is right now compared to a couple of years ago. I saw a post talking about something I loved and basically I couldn’t wait until I was doing it every day.
Flash forward to now and I will soon be doing that thing (or really close to it) every day. In fact, in a month, it will be really all I’m doing. And, two years ago, I would have been thrilled at that.
Now, I’m staring it in the face and I’m nervous as all get out. And I’m not nervous because of transitions or because you’re supposed to be nervous or blah blah blah, whatever.
No, I’m nervous because I’ve lost who I am–who I was. I’ve lost my passion. I’ve lost love. I’ve lost… me. And it sucks. Because I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to do this. I don’t know if I have the stamina. This job is… it’s tough. It takes a lot out of you and you really have to care for others well, and that’s if you’re healthy. And I’m not healthy. I’m depressed. Not as bad as a few months ago, but still, I’m not all better. And I’m terrified because… well, a blind man can’t really lead a blind man, you know?
I don’t know. I’m pretty darn good at faking it and pulling it together, but I’ve honestly lost some of that ability. It’s like… I think I was like this, or similar to this, in high school. But… I wasn’t as self aware as I am now. For crying out loud- I didn’t know it was depression. I would’ve never put a word to it. So it was easier to ignore. It was easier to put it in a little box and only take it out when I was alone and had the space to give into it. Now? Now it’s like there are days I can’t ignore it. And I’m going to need to ignore it.
I don’t know. Maybe I’ll be fine. Because when push comes to shove, I do what needs to get done. It’s a great quality. And busyness is the best distraction, and I’ll be busy. Hopefully I’ll be thinking about so many other things that the only time I have time to feel it is when I’m alone.
I’m nervous. I’m really nervous. But I’m in it, you know? No turning back. Just have to put on a brave face and go. Just put on a smile and move. Just swallow the pain and push through.
Yeah. I can do this.