She told him she was nervous about the two of us becoming friends. Nervous. Or worried.
When he told me, he didn’t see or sense my reaction. But let me assure you, it wasn’t pleasant.
How dare her.
Who does she see me as? A toxic soul? A horrible person? Not good enough for others? Why did she think she had the right to say that about me? She barely knows me. And she was someone I’d begun to trust. Someone I had begun to consider friend.
I can’t talk to her about it. Because she doesn’t know he told me.
I can’t talk to him about it. Because…well, I’m his stand in until he can get his best friend back. He all but told me he would try to balance himself out and not become to good of friends with me. He was strategizing.
He probably didn’t say it the way I heard it. I understand that perception can alter the reality. But damn. It hurts.
See, that was the whole plan. To not get hurt. To not get close. Unfortunately, even though I have kept myself from being vulnerable and have kept me to me, I’ve grown attached.
I guess I forgot that I don’t seem to have a choice in these matters.
So who does she see me as? A toxic soul? Maybe I am. Maybe that’s been the problem all along. Who was I to think I’d be good enough for him? For her? For anyone? I very clearly haven’t been good enough before.
Oh heart, hide away.