Today, I’d like to pause.
I’d like it if we all just took a collective breath.
I’d like to turn it off for a moment. Turn off the responsibility. I’m painfully longing for the silent presence of another to sit across from. I don’t need — I don’t allow myself to need — much. So, I’m longing for a person just to sit at a table with. They can do their work and I’ll doodle my hand away. That’s all I want right now.
I feel sad. I feel helpless.
Helplessness is definitely one of my least favorite feelings.
I miss… Shit. I shouldn’t have thought about it. But I miss him. I miss the way he could take my mind off of things and teasingly convince me not to take things too seriously. I miss feeling better when I hung up the phone. That’s it. That’s what I miss. Like I said, I don’t let myself need much. Just a call every couple of weeks or months. That was enough. I don’t need much. Please…. that was enough. I just miss my best friend- my brother.
His number isn’t in my phone anymore. I deleted it so I couldn’t call him in these moments when I’m so badly wanting to.
Bad days make the pain come back. They remind me of the loss and of the grief that I’m not yet finished with. Bad days make me want to seek out comfort… and it’s hard to find. I’m… I’m tired of having bad days.
I should be grateful. There are so many good days now, comparatively.
But on the bad days, I’d like to just pause. Just a brief, calming pause so I can gather myself and then…
Then just keep moving.