I tend to pick up on when I’m not doing well. It’s the fact that my room has clothes all over the floor by the dresser because I don’t even have the energy to lie them over the furniture like I normally do when I’m being lazy. It’s when I go to put on socks and I just sit on the floor and pull them on instead of actually using my legs to go sit comfortably on the bed while slipping them on. And I boil water for my tea every morning; I do my dishes from the day before while waiting for the water to heat. But when I’m not doing well, the thought of doing the dishes overwhelms me with exhaustion.
I still don’t know what’s going on with me, really. I’ve clearly been doing a lot better. So, while I can confidently say I had very severe depression a year ago, I’m not sure what this is. Do I still have it? Is it just a mild form now? Is it just being repressed because of my busy schedule? Or do I just have random days of relapse? Or is it just me being a highly sensitive person? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on. And that in itself bothers me because if I don’t know, no one does. Plus, I’m pretty self aware, so why can’t I figure this out?
Yesterday was horrible. For hours, just feeling like I could cry at the drop of a hat and curled up on my couch doing nothing but watching the tv and the time pass. The kind of exhaustion that anchors itself in your bones and it doesn’t matter how much sleep you’ve gotten, it’s just there with you.
I think it’s been going on all week and I just didn’t notice it at first. Others did. But it came out in irritability and annoyance. I guess that’s my fault for not realizing what it was and catching it in time. And there was exhaustion, sure, but I’ve been so busy and had so much on my plate this week, I didn’t think twice about it. And it looks like I should have.
I’m a little nervous because I’m about to get way less busy for a couple of weeks. I’m afraid of what that extra time will do to me, especially if I’m having a bit of a relapse now in the midst of the busyness.
But I will tell you one thing: Today, as the water was boiling, I convinced myself to wash the dishes. Not all the dishes. No, there’s a pile in another room. But the ones in the sink? I did those today. And… honestly, I feel a little proud about that. Honestly, I feel a little hope. Doing those dishes doesn’t fix everything – or anything really – but it is a first step. And today, I think that’s good enough.