Insecurities.

We all have insecurities. I mean, I’m pretty sure we all do. I do. I  know that for sure. Currently, they are trying to eat me alive. And it’s been days now and I’m tired.

Some of my insecurities, like with my job skills or my looks, are there but they’re ones that are decently easy for me to ignore most of the time. The jobs skills one has been getting me lately but, even with that, logically I know I’m doing just fine with my job and 90% of the time I’m doing better than I’d ever give myself credit for.

Lately though, it’s been friendship insecurities. Those are tough to handle. I just… I mean, if you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know I’ve been left and betrayed by a few friends, so this probably isn’t a grand surprise.

I know when it started to get bad this time too. It was five days ago. I texted a close friend and they didn’t text me back. And I knew why! They’d had a busy, rough day and I was so sure that they weren’t texting me back because they’d fallen asleep. Fine. I knew this. They even texted back the next day and said, yep, they had fallen asleep and asked if I wanted to catch up in a couple of hours.

But here’s the problem: in the 18ish hours it took for them to text back, that voice in my head started to go crazy.

“They’re not texting you back because they don’t like you.” “They’re going to leave you.” “You shouldn’t have gotten attached.” “They hate you.” “You don’t deserve them.” “You did something wrong.” “They don’t want to talk to you.” “You mean nothing to them.”

The list is longer, but do I need to go on?

I don’t know what to do. I mean, I know, or I’m at least pretty sure, that none of that is true. But it’s been constant now for five days. And let me just say that I’ve had at least hour long conversations with them every day since the one day they didn’t text me back. I know this is ridiculous. I am so freaking aware of that fact. But it won’t stop.

Not only that, but my self-talk has been incredibly negative lately. Like, really bad. And really mean. It’s hard to deal with. But anyway.

I kind of want to go to them and be like, hey, here’s the deal: stupidly fragile right now. Don’t know why. I know you don’t and it really has nothing to do with you, but I kinda think you hate me. But I can’t go say that to them. Because not only do I know that they don’t hate me, but they’d probably be hurt if they realized part of me believes they do. And I really don’t want to hurt them. And I really don’t want to appear manipulative or controlling or as emotionally unstable as the last friend that screwed them over. And honestly, I don’t really want them to know the depths of which I’m screwed up.

[[I have to pause and say something: This is the shit that makes me want to grab all the friends that have left me by the shoulders and just shake them and scream, “Why the fuck did you do this to me?!”]]

[[Unpause.]] I don’t know what to do, you know? They’re about to take off for a few days, and I’m afraid the insecurities will eat me alive because they won’t be here to disprove them. Because when I do see them or talk to them, they disprove the insecurities constantly. They don’t mean to because they don’t know they’re doing it because they don’t know they exist, but they do and say things that help.

I guess I have three options:

1.) Believe the insecurities and, because of their unrelenting influence, slowly become more distant with this friend and attempt to detach myself as much as I am able while still trying to be the friend that they need.

2.) Tell my friend what is going on. Just be honest and say all the things and end with something like, “You don’t have to do anything about this. It honestly has nothing to do with you. I just wanted to let you know what’s going on in my mind and give you some sort of explanation for if I get weird sometimes.”

3.) Wait it out. Hope I can keep myself calm with all these thoughts buzzing around in my brain. Just be patient and hope that it subsides.

I’ll be really honest with you though – I have no idea which choice I’m going with.

-Melissa

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