Writing is supposed to help. So here it goes.
I feel like I need to apologize to you. I know, I know, I shouldn’t apologize. But, in my defense, you haven’t heard why yet.
I’m sorry for not speaking. I’m sorry for falling into a pattern where I don’t speak around you. I never expect you to read my mind. I’m just quiet. I was thinking about it and it’s gotten worse. As it does sometimes. Sometimes I get stuck in these ruts. But it feels long this time. And since you’ve had less on your plate, you’ve had less to talk about, and there’s more silence when we’re together. And for that I’m also sorry; I know you don’t like the silence.
I tried to figure out why I was quiet and it’s at least two fold.
The first is the depression. Sometimes I like to act like it doesn’t exist and sometimes I wonder how valid you think it is. Like if it’s real or not. Day like today, yesterday, the day before? They make me believe it’s real. And when I have bad days, everything compiles. My anxiety starts it off and then I’m bombarded with pain. And the things from my life that are painful or unresolved rise to the surface. It works to cover itself with exhaustion and irritability. And I find the best way to solve it sometimes is to just stay quiet. Especially because sometimes there’s nothing wrong. Sometimes I’m just in the worst mood and my mind isn’t working and I have nothing to say.
The second reason I think I’ve been quiet is because… I’m afraid you’ll stop being friends with me. Let me just say before your mind runs off that this is not because of anything you did. In truth, it has nothing to do with you. I’ve just… I’ve been left enough times that I expect it again. When I met you, I had no intentions of becoming friends with you. I wanted to; I knew we’d get along. But I knew I shouldn’t. Because becoming friends with someone is a vulnerable experiment and I’ve had enough times where it didn’t turn out too well. But here we are. You’ve become a friend that I’ve grown to care deeply about and that puts me in a very, very dangerous position. The thought of you turning away from me and never looking back sends waves of sadness through me.
I’ll just stop there. Because I can’t really tell you any of this.