How do you start the conversation?
How do you ask for help? How do you say you’re not okay?
Honestly, it’s weird being an adult and not being okay. As a kid and as a student, there was someone to go to. I’m not talking friends or relatives or anything like that. I mean there was always someone there who was specifically there for you to go talk to if needed.
But now? I’m still wrestling with how much your supposed to tell your boss. And I struggle with the fact that I work in an environment that doesn’t seem to keep things as private as it should.
And another thing? When I’m searching for help online, I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t know how my insurance works, I don’t know what you’re really able to tell from a website, and I don’t know if everything available is actually online.
I don’t know how to tell my friends I’m not okay. I don’t know how they’ll react or how I want them to. I don’t know know if or how it will change the way they view me or speak to me. I just don’t know. I don’t even think I want anything from them. I just want them to know.
It’s just odd because… well, I’m so high functioning. And I very much understand why people say that those that are high functioning with depression are the scariest. Because I know the picture I’m portraying. I know that, even when I show that it’s not good, I never show how bad it actually is.
There’s not really a point to all of this. Living with depression is hard. And, because I never actually deal with things, when the busyness stops, it gets so much worse. So I guess I’m just keep keeping myself busy.
I don’t really want to keep this to myself. But I don’t know how to start the conversation.