My birthday is coming up.
I hate that.
I’m nervous about it. Last year, I was miserable. I tried – hard – to not be. I went out for lunch, I explored a bookstore, I tried to treat myself. I ended up going into work just so that I could sit with someone and not be alone. I bought cake that I didn’t even eat because I felt too horrible to do so.
I’m just nervous. I don’t want to be alone on my birthday again. And I won’t be. I have to work on my birthday this year. And I like most of the people that I work with. I don’t want to remind anyone because I don’t want to make a big deal about it. I don’t like being the center of attention. I don’t really want anything from it. I just… I just don’t want it to be like last year. I feel like Jess in New Girl – how she goes to the movies by herself just so that no one else has to deal with her. Maybe I should just call in sick and not leave my room all day and wait for the day to just get over with. Honestly, I’ve got plenty of sick time – it’s no where near out of the question.
I really don’t like not being with my family on my birthday. I don’t know why. I haven’t been with them for it in years. So I don’t know why I care. Last year I was feeling so down that I didn’t even call them because I didn’t want them to know.
I wish I could explain the feeling better. But it doesn’t matter.