Care.

You know, a little while ago, I was severely depressed and the thing I couldn’t handle was that I was surrounded by people who should’ve cared. And they didn’t.

I’m sure, on some level, they did. I get that.

But now, I’m not drowning. I’ve just breathed in a couple mouthfuls of water and I’m gagging a bit. And now these people, these people here in this place, they care. Now, they don’t always care the way I want them too. These people actually notice when I’m not okay and they don’t just ignore me. They want me to participate in the conversation. They do nice things. They take note when I’m not mentally with them.

And maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m more open here. Maybe here I feel less constraint. Maybe there I hid more often. Maybe there I made myself inaccessible. Maybe it was me.

All I know is there I felt like no one cared. All I know is here they care enough to ignore me and care for me anyway.

I don’t deserve the care. I can’t figure out why these people are nice to me. I don’t know why they notice when I’m not okay or why they bother trying to make me laugh. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do with the kindness. I really really really just want to stay in bed all day but somewhere along the way, I became this person with a job that takes up too much time and I have to get out of bed every morning and for goodness sake I know that’s a good thing but I really just want to get lost in pillows and blankets and warmth and  I don’t want to leave it and I don’t want to face these people who are so kind to me when I know I can’t give a damn thing back to them and I’m so tired and sad and how the fuck do you still feel alone when you know the people around you actually like you and want you to be here???

-Melissa

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