Loss.

I want you to know that when I look at or think of my friends, this voice in my head sometimes whispers, “They’ll hate you soon, just like he does. They’ll leave you too.”

I want you to know that making new friends is hard because I wonder how much pain they’ll cause me when it ends.

I want you to know that when my friend tells me his partner will have a say in his friends, I can’t hear anything else he says. My mind is stuck on wondering if the person he’s talking to hates me and this is his way of telling me our friendship will be over soon.

I want you to know today that I’m sad. I’m just sad. For no reason. And I’m exhausted. And at some point along the way, my heart let me need you. And now I don’t have you. And today, I wish more than anything I could call you. But I can’t. 

I want you to know I miss you.

And I don’t want you to know any of this because I know it would hurt you. And I don’t want to hurt you. I have no interest in hurting you.

You are the third deep loss I never saw coming. And I want you to know I live in constant fear of the fourth. 

-Melissa

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