Depression sucks. And I talk a big game about getting better. I know what to do. I know seeing a therapist would be good and I should exercise and cut some sugar out of my diet. I know there are studies that any one of these things can help someone living with depression.
I carve out time in my schedule for self care. An hour to read here. An hour to do yoga here. An hour to write there.
I have these moments of determination and clarity and can imagine myself doing all the things I need to do to get better. I go to meetings smiling and chatting and make a good time of it.
But there are other moments. Like the moments that led up to that meeting, reminding me I’d already cried two or three times that morning. Or moments where I sit with my head in my hands as I have a few minutes alone and just repeat over and over that I’m okay and that painful, restless energy shooting through my veins is something I can get through. Or that moment when a friend texts me and I know I have to go and get out of my apartment and hope the fact that I’ve been crying for the last hour isn’t too obvious. Or the moments and moments and moments I spend lying in bed for two hours after I wake up, trying to find the motivation to even sit up. Then hopefully standing up and getting ready will follow.
Those are just a few moments that have occurred within the past 48 hours.
Two days ago, after I’d been pretty productive and had planned in the self care into my calendar and had been researching depression workbooks (who knew those were a thing??), I got into bed and had this sinking feeling. I fell asleep and the only thought on my mind was, “I feel discouraged.”
One of the scariest things to me right now is trying to get better. I know that sounds crazy. Because going through life like this is miserable. But… I don’t know. I’m just really scared. What if I put in all of this work and… And nothing happens? What if I do my very best and better than my best and I’m still floundering? What then? I mean, I can only last like this for so long, right? And others won’t be able to deal with me, whichever me this is, for so long, right? So what happens when I don’t get better? What happens when I do everything I can and I’m still not okay?