I think she might have been right.
That counselor two years ago.
I think she might have been right when she told me I didn’t let people love me.
And that saying? That saying that says “We accept the love we think we deserve”? It’s a line from ‘Perks of Being a Wallflower’ by Stephen Chbosky. I haven’t read the book or seen the movie, but I’ve heard the quote. And when I first heard it, I ignored it. I wrote it off and told myself it wasn’t true. At least not for me.
But I think Stephen Chbosky may have been right too.
Making new friendships is a terrifying, painful process for me. And this time around, I’m very aware of my self worth because of it.
Because, as scary as it is, I’m making a new friend right now. When I hang out with him, I’m cautious and reserved. He can tell. He’s commented a few times about the wall I’ve built around myself. And I can tell he’s looking for a hole or a weak spot in the wall.
But he doesn’t know how many walls there are.
Anyway. When I’m with him, things are good. It’s fun. It’s easier than I’d like to admit. But when we part ways, I start to panic. My mind starts to spin with thoughts of how something in our latest interaction is going to make him hate me and I convince myself he will stop talking to me or ignore me the next time we see each other. I’m already afraid of losing him. And I’m afraid that losing him will cause others to leave me too.
The other day, we were hanging out with another friend and there were a couple of other people around as well. He was teasing me and telling me that he liked me. I turned and looked him in the eye and said, “You don’t like me.”
“Yes I do!”
“No. You don’t.”
He brushed me off and told me that he did like me and that I needed to stop listening to whatever voices in my head that were telling me he didn’t.
Our other friend, a close friend of mine, who has been keenly observing our interactions, laughed. The subject changed. I was a bit taken aback and drew into myself a little. Because he’d hit the nail right on the head. I was constantly convincing myself he hated me and, if he didn’t now, he would tomorrow.
Having friends and making friends… Is it supposed to be this painful? Even with the close friend I was just referring to, I tell myself all the time that he could, honestly, that he should, stop being friends with me. I remind myself that I have nothing good to offer him and that … it’s hard to write down… But I remind myself he deserves a better friend than me. That he’d be better off without me.
I know how that sounds. That’s why it’s hard to write down.
I keep telling myself that people hate me and, if they don’t now, they will tomorrow.
If they don’t hate me now, they should tomorrow.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”