Five.

New year, new me, right?

No. Nope. Na da.

New year, same me.

I’m trying to push myself. Trying to do the good things. Trying to capitalize on motivation and ignore when I don’t have it. I mean, I have made it through fourteen days of this month after all. And I’m smiling more and I think I’m complaining less. I start and end the day listing things I’m thankful for. I’m reading the Bible and praying. I’m taking note of my impatience and working through it. I’m trying my hardest to shrug and let things fall off of my shoulders.

But I am so fucking sad right now. So sad. And tired. And there’s no reason to be tired but here I am. I feel like crying and cowering. I want to wrap myself in blankets and bury myself in pillows and never leave my bed again.

I’m still moving I’m still breathing I’m still going I’m still try I am trying but I’m sad.

I know it’s not an easy fix. I know it’s not a couple weeks of good habits and then I’ll just magically be better. I know it’s hard work and effort. I know I know I know. But right now? Now?

I wish there was a reason, you know? Like a trigger. I wish there was something today or yesterday that made me sad that would explain my current state. I wish you could look at the lump in my throat and diagnose the problem. I wish you could put tears under a microscope and understand, perfectly and in detail, what was happening.

It might be better tomorrow. Right? Tomorrow I might wake up and feel better. Tomorrow is new and I might have, or at least be able to find or fake, some motivation. You know, five minutes from now is new. I could feel lighter in five minutes. The weight of silence could be gone.

I will get up in five minutes. That is what is required of me after all. And I have the ability.

I didn’t have anything to say. I just want to write when I feel this way. I don’t know why. I just say the same thing over and over and over.

But five minutes from now could be different.

Here’s to your next five minutes.

-Melissa

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