I’ve been accused lately of not talking enough, of not saying what I’m feeling enough.
You’re not wrong.
(Warning: I’m going to say ‘asshole’ a lot in this blog. I’m sorry if it offends you.)
I’m in kind of a weird predicament right now. My friend is becoming friends with an asshole. Again.
Now, asshole is very charming. When he’s nice, he’s really nice. He makes you feel included and… special in some way. He did that to me when I first met him. I was determined to hate him (because he’s an asshole). But I ended up really liking him. Now I care for him deeply and want to have a friendship with him.
Months ago, he told me he wanted that too. But, you see, I’ve come to find that he is only friendly toward me when it’s convenient for him. Honestly, if it doesn’t fit his particular fancy that day, he doesn’t give me a second glance. And, to be completely frank, I have no idea if he even knows he does it and – if he does know – I know he doesn’t care.
Told you. Asshole.
But still, because of who I am and the fact that my heart just attaches itself to some people, I still care about him and really want to be his friend.
Now the friend I was talking about – he’s hanging out with the asshole again. And by “hanging out” — well, it’s a little more than that, okay? We’ll not get into the details and hope you can just catch my drift. So, obviously there’s more… benefit… for the asshole if he “hangs out” with my friend vs. hanging out with me.
The logical part of me understands this. I can’t give asshole what he wants – nor do I want to – and therefore am no use to him. I’m telling you. Asshole.
To be fair, I’m also not reaching out to him. In my defense, the couple of times I have, he’s rejected my offer. Kindly, I will say. But rejection all the same. One was just a quick run to the store and one was getting dinner. The kicker to that is I expected the rejections. You know why? Because they weren’t on his terms. They weren’t his idea. And you know what he is, right? That’s correct.
So my friend is hanging out with him and I think I’m jealous? Or hurt? I think jealousy comes from hurt, so probably both?
I don’t know why. Is it because I can see a friendship between us and am sad we’ll never get to have it because he’s an asshole? Is it because my friend has been hanging out more with him which means no one is hanging out with me? Is it because all three of us could hang out but I’m never invited? Like, I’d be more than happy to join you both on the trip to lowes.
But three’s a crowd, right?
Like I said, logically I get it. I can’t provide the type of friendship asshole apparently wants — the kind with benefits — and so he doesn’t bother with me. And maybe my friend is a little tired of me and wants some variety in his life. And – c’mon – he wants the benefits too.
(I mean, I can almost guarantee he’s not texting me back right now because of the benefits.)
I guess I just don’t know. It’s probably just me being petty and pathetic. I mean, it’s really not that hard to have another friend, is it? But asshole doesn’t care what people think. He’s told me multiple times he doesn’t need friends. He’s said he doesn’t have time to care about what people are feeling.
Why the hell do I want to be friends with him again? He’s such an asshole.
(He just texted me back. I was right.)