Tag Archives: Anxiety

Three.

Once.

You had me at hello

Once

I can see the moment

Perfectly held

Perfectly preserved

Once

To stay indefinately

Oh, honest?

Much longer

But he, in that image,

Ceases to be

And me, in that image,

Long gone, my dear

You have become merely a whisper

Of worry once held

Laughter now is laced with freedom

Once, it was with longing

Once

But yesterday is more distant

Today is tomorrow

Once is a memory

And once was enough

Refuse.

Just a whisper

Not heard, but seen

I embrace anxiety like an old friend

Warm and inviting

Your pain filling my chest

Spreading through each vein

Until every bit of me is shaking

You ask for words

I have none

Nothing to ease this moment

Nothing to stop your pain

Or this shaking

My breath soon leaves me

Unbearable worry to blame

I refuse to be consumed.

So I fight for breath

I fight for words

I’ll fight for you

Your pain as an effective fuel

Helpless in reality

Nothing to offer but presense

Nothing to offer but prayer

(And I’ve heard prayer moves mountains)

Fool.

I’m so f***ing invincible

Because I have to be

Powerful, able

I can’t be overcome

Strong, I stand firm

Unyeilding

Able to lift and then

Carry along the weight

Of the world

Without breaking

I don’t even come close

Nothing can hurt me

Nothing can touch me

I’m unreachable

I am quite aware

I’m not fooling you

I’m probably not fooling

Anyone

But let me fool myself

Let me believe I can’t be broken

The hope is when hurt

Surrounds me on every side

I won’t feel it when it hits

-Melissa

Advertisements

Responsibility.

This is not my responsibility. More than that, it can’t be.

You don’t understand the pressure that weighs on me. I put enough pressure on myself and I cannot handle much more than that.

And this isn’t my fault. It can’t be. It is not my place. And I cannot reap the consequences of your actions. I can’t stand under the pressure. I feel it on my chest, begging my lungs not to rise and fall. And it hurts. Does it worry you like this? I shouldn’t have to worry about this! It’s not my place!

And if something happens and I am blamed in any way, I will not be able to take it. I will not be able to function. You have no idea what it will do to me.

I don’t know what to do. And there is nothing I could do. You could do something.

It’s your job to do something.

-Melissa

Blind. (Three)

The challenge was over soon after that.

I tried to steady my hands enough to pull off the blindfold. I didn’t look at anyone as I gained my sight back but I quickly looked around and observed my surroundings. Knowing where everyone was again gave reassurance.

So… What the heck is wrong with me? The other kid who had been blindfolded had not freaked out. He’d felt limited, sure, but he hadn’t been dangerously close to a panic attack.

My lack of trust is simply astounding. It’s quite amazing actually.

Where do I go from here? Knowing that?

The only thing I know for now if next time someone hands me a blindfold, there’s a good chance I won’t be taking it- whatever the reason.

-Melissa

(Part Two: https://allthestuff7.wordpress.com/2013/09/10/blind-part-two/)

(Part One: https://allthestuff7.wordpress.com/2013/09/08/blind-part-one/)