I could feel shock go through me. My eyes grew wide, my mouth gaped for a moment, and I asked him to repeat himself.
He did. He hadn’t realized I didn’t know.
How was I supposed to know? You haven’t spoken to me in over a year.
Tears came to my eyes immediately, but I quickly composed myself and focused my attention back to him. This wasn’t about you. This conversation was about what he was saying to me, about the life changes he was going through. And I could give him my complete attention.
A little while later though, my mind repeated the same phrase over and over again. Instead of your name, I kept saying “my best friend.”
But really? You? You’re my best friend? You? Of all people? You who left me without looking back? You who made one horrible life decision after another? You who deserted me? You who turned your back on the support I offered you? You who dismissed people who have always loved you? You who robbed me of the honor and blessing of sharing this life together with our other friends and family? You who I called brother unabashedly and proudly only to be tossed aside as if I were someone you knew for a day?
No. No, you’re not my best friend. ‘Friend’ is a sacred word to me and it will be reserved for those who care for me and allow me to care for them.
I have learned one thing within the past fourteen months: You are not the person I thought you were.
The voice coming from my lips didn’t sound like my own. It sounded foreign. From some other girl.
I don’t know. Maybe that’s what happens when you force yourself to talk to someone you barely know.
You know what I’ve realized lately? I don’t tell anyone everything. Even my closest friends. I tell them all lots of things but I don’t tell a single one of them all of the things.
None of them know about this blog. Actually, out of the four people I’m thinking of, I don’t know if any of them would read this if I told them I had it.
Sally might. She’d probably read an entry or two. I tell Sally a lot. I think I tell Sally almost everything. Just not a couple of things that I’ve got locked in the vault inside of me. But she and I are a lot different. And we can be real with each other. I think she’s the first friend I’ve had that I can be truthful with when she’s offended me in some way. Usually I bury it until it goes away (which is really just a lie because things don’t o away until you deal with them). She scoops ice cream for me and I give her the space when she’s being high strung. We’re really nothing alike but we accept each others quirks and flaws. It’s pretty great.
Betty wouldn’t read it. Unless maybe I specifically asked her to. Betty drives me crazy. We were best friends in high school. Went off to different colleges but… Her mind is stuck in high school. Completely. She seeks acceptance and, from what I can tell, she’s… Almost desperate to get it. We barely speak any more. I actually told her about something in the vault once but I’ve regretted it ever since. She thinks we’re still best friends, and we always will be friends. But… She’s like my annoying little sister. She can’t seem to have a conversation without saying, “hey, remember when?” And I do remember when but… I want to live in the present. I wish i could fix it, for her sake, but I really… Don’t want to.
Pete probably wouldn’t read it. He might if he was bored or something. My friendship with Pete is easy. He’s great and adorable. He’s the only guy I talk to about guys and he talks to me about girls. He’s very charming and he knows it. For Pete, I just want to be safe place. Too many of his friends that are girls end up liking him. With me, he doesn’t have to worry about that. I love cuddling up with him on his couch and watching a movie without any pressure. And I love letting him talk to me. A lot of his friends are girls and they talk his ear off and he doesn’t really just get to vent or tell his stories or explain himself. So I’m there for him for that. But I tell Sally and Cooper more than I tell him.
Cooper might. He’s like a brother to me. He’s that best friend that I insult all the time and he does the same for me. And we have a fair amount of sibling rivalry going on. I tell him most everything, except I’ve never talked about guys to him, no matter how much I want to. And he doesn’t get to hear about what’s in the vault inside of me either. Out of the four of them, I feel most comfortable. My favorite memory of Cooper was right after I had a minor car accident and was very shaken up. I went to his house and he came outside before I’ve even to the front porch. He looked at me and didn’t say a word. He just opened his arms to me and held me for a good moment. We get each other.
Wow. I love my friends. I’m pretty darn blessed.