Tag Archives: consumed

Denial.

Denial is a really funny thing. I’m pretty convinced that it’s a good thing.

Could you imagine a world without denial? What if you could never push the bad things from your mind?

I just started writing something but it sounded ridiculous. So I’m not going to go there. But the thing is, I’m right. Because what if you didn’t have the ability to ignore the bad things? What if you could never focus on the good because your mind was so consumed with bad things? Honestly, we’d all be curled up in separate corners waiting for the world to end.

So denial is a good thing.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I realize we need to think about the bad things too. I realize that nothing good would ever happen if we didn’t. That’s an interesting thought. But if we could never think about world hunger (a horrible thing), no one would ever do anything about it. And if we never gave thought to earthquakes and other disasters, no one would ever think to go offer aid.

But the thing about being in denial, and knowing that you’re in denial, is that you’re always just kind of… waiting… for something to knock you out of it. Because you know that someone could breathe wrong and it could remind you of something and then, suddenly, you’d be devastated. Just walking the line between totally fine and really not okay.

It is interesting though- when I’m in denial and refusing to think about this, that, or the other, my body takes it out on me. My shoulders and neck tense up. Headaches abound. My stomach gets upset so much more easily. But when I’m not in denial, I feel pretty miserable most of the time. I can’t concentrate. It’s hard to interact with other humans.

So… to be in denial or to not be? That is the question. There are pros and cons to both.

And what if you stay in denial? What if you refuse to get out of it? What if you never deal with what’s bothering you? Will anything bad ever happen?

Or, when you least expect it, will just…

Explode?

-Melissa

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Three.

Once.

You had me at hello

Once

I can see the moment

Perfectly held

Perfectly preserved

Once

To stay indefinately

Oh, honest?

Much longer

But he, in that image,

Ceases to be

And me, in that image,

Long gone, my dear

You have become merely a whisper

Of worry once held

Laughter now is laced with freedom

Once, it was with longing

Once

But yesterday is more distant

Today is tomorrow

Once is a memory

And once was enough

Refuse.

Just a whisper

Not heard, but seen

I embrace anxiety like an old friend

Warm and inviting

Your pain filling my chest

Spreading through each vein

Until every bit of me is shaking

You ask for words

I have none

Nothing to ease this moment

Nothing to stop your pain

Or this shaking

My breath soon leaves me

Unbearable worry to blame

I refuse to be consumed.

So I fight for breath

I fight for words

I’ll fight for you

Your pain as an effective fuel

Helpless in reality

Nothing to offer but presense

Nothing to offer but prayer

(And I’ve heard prayer moves mountains)

Fool.

I’m so f***ing invincible

Because I have to be

Powerful, able

I can’t be overcome

Strong, I stand firm

Unyeilding

Able to lift and then

Carry along the weight

Of the world

Without breaking

I don’t even come close

Nothing can hurt me

Nothing can touch me

I’m unreachable

I am quite aware

I’m not fooling you

I’m probably not fooling

Anyone

But let me fool myself

Let me believe I can’t be broken

The hope is when hurt

Surrounds me on every side

I won’t feel it when it hits

-Melissa

Dissection.

Dissect me of myself.

Pull me apart and embed yourself inside of me and scoop away all of the unwanted, unneeded filth that rests in my bones. Empty me of the blood that runs through my veins and fill it with your own. Remove my heart and order a transplant for something better. Something that more closely resembles you.

I am not satisfied with the person I am: so self consumed. Rid me of myself. Take away my thoughts and fill my head with yours.

I don’t want to be my own person. All I want to do is reflect You.

-Melissa