You know what absolutely sucks? Leaving bad things behind.
It’s not that part that sucks, really. It’s the fact that when you leave bad things behind, you inevitably leave good things behind too. And the good things.. let’s be honest- not things, people. When you leave the good people behind, they don’t really know why you left. They don’t know how much the bad things hurt you or how much it hurts to leave the good people. They don’t understand the pain that fills you when you think about going back. They don’t know you can’t let yourself think about them because it hurts much too much to do so. They don’t know how much you had to fake it or the kind of front you put up just so you’d survive.
And then you feel bad because you left them behind. And you know, you know, you know, you know, that you can’t go back. And you can’t do that again. And it’s the reason part of you is dead. It’s a piece of you that your body literally would do better without because it’s trying to infect the parts of you that are still alive. But still. You feel bad. Because you were good. You just had to be so freaking good to some people that now that you’re gone, they miss you. And leaving people like that really isn’t in your job description because you know what it’s like. And you want to be there for everyone if only they weren’t there. You know, that place you can’t go because… well you don’t know why.
But you know that you have to go back soon and the thought strikes you with fear and makes you crazy. Because why would you want to return to a place that saw so much of your pain? Why would you want to return to a place that stole hours and hours and hours from you that you’ll never get back? A place filled with emotion and pain and hurt but also with comfort because, hell! it’s all you knew for four years of your life. But at some point, a home turned into a prison and, for crying out loud, you still can’t figure out which one is it.
You just feel bad because you left all the good things along with all of the bad things. And you just wonder how long they’re going to keep hurting you.
As a person who blogs, I think it’s only fair to write about the things I’m thankful for. I realize it’s past the official date, but I’m one of those people who believes you should be thankful all year. After this though, I’m going to blast Christmas music and search for Christmas decorations to put up in my apartment, but this first.
I’m thankful for blogs. I’m a very private person and having a blog like this can help me breathe. I’m thankful for feet. Mine put up a fight a lot of the time, but they still work. I’m thankful for art. I’m not very good at any form of it but it’s one of those things that just makes sense to me. I’m thankful for fans. I’ve gotten addicted to white noise when I sleep. I’m thankful for hygiene products. I’m thankful for playlists. I’m thankful for scarves. I’m thankful for hats- I love them though I never have quite enough confidence to wear them. I’m thankful for candy. I’m thankful for socks. For good, worn in jeans. For long sleeves. I’m thankful for instruments and the ability to play a few of them. For books and movies that let me disappear for a while. I’m thankful for my pillows and for couches. For hair product. For pretty dresses and perfect skirts. For high heels and converse. I’m thankful for hot chocolate and fire places. I’m thankful for cameras to capture memories I would hate to forget. I’m thankful for the feeling of a good pen sliding across a blank page. For the feeling of water sliding down a dry throat or chapstick on dry lips. I’m thankful for guinea pigs and the little squeaks they make. For peanut butter. For blue shoe strings. For cups. Umbrellas. Wrapping paper. Index cards. Post-it notes. Stamps. Fake glasses. Sun glasses. Ice cream.
I’m thankful for people. I’m thankful for relationships lost because I wouldn’t be who I am without them. I’m thankful for steady relationships because they help get me through. I’m thankful for new relationships because they help me learn. I’m thankful for eyes; mine for sight and others for a window into their soul. I’m thankful for hugs, especially the kind from good friends that last just a little longer than normal. The kind in which you never want to let go. I’m thankful for cuddling up on a couch with a friend to watch a movie or listen to music. I’m thankful for acting crazy and laughing until your face hurts. I’m thankful for conversations and for being able to watch as someone’s face lights up. I’m thankful for skills of observation. I’m thankful for a heart that’s much too soft. For a body that desires to hold and be held. For hands that can greet or comfort. For a smile that can warm. I’m thankful for that feeling of release I sometimes get when I’m singing. For air filling up and leaving my lungs. I’m thankful for faces that will always be familiar. I’m thankful for the family I am so blessed to have. For the people that make it up, each individual. I’m thankful for their beauty, their independence, their love.
I’m thankful for my Lord. For His ears that hear everything. For His eyes that see all. For His mind that knows more than I could ever imagine. I’m thankful for His nearness. His compassion. His unbelievable patience. His comfort. His heart. His sacrifices. His utter goodness. I’m thankful for not only his willingness to acknowledge I exist, but also for His thought to pay attention to every detail of my life and be vitally interested. I’m thankful for my Lord because, through Him, I can be thankful for everything else. He is my reason to live. I’m thankful because through Him, I have a purpose. Through Him, my life isn’t meaningless. I’m thankful He taught me to be thankful.
It’s not too late, you know. If you haven’t made a list of the things you’re thankful for, you still can, even through we’re past Thanksgiving. It will help you appreciate life.
And this life isn’t something you should take for granted.