Tag Archives: distracted

Exist.

“On a scale from one to ten, how bad is it?”

I’ve been watching a lot of Grey’s Anatomy lately. In the show, emergency cases often come into the hospital and the doctors have to figure out how to save the person. Sometimes, those emergencies involved a foreign object going through a person. One time it was a pole someone had been impaled on. Another time it was a big tree branch. These cases are difficult because you can’t just pull the foreign object out, unless you want the patient to bleed to death. Usually, the pole or tree or whatever is holding all of the blood and organs in place, so if you just rip it back out of them, they’ll bleed out.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like watching tv is the foreign object that’s keeping me from bleeding out.

When I’m watching a tv show, I’m distracted. I’m wrapped up in someone else’s life. Lately, when I turn off the tv, sadness overwhelms me. It’s like the silence that follows is too quiet. My mind no longer has something to focus on. And I get really sad. I bleed out. I’d rather just keep watching tv. Unfortunately, I have responsibilities and people to hide my feelings from, so I can’t just stay curled up on the couch all day watching Grey’s Anatomy.

On one of the latest episodes I’ve watched, one of the main characters hasn’t been doing extremely well, and for some very good reasons. Her boyfriend comes and sees she’s having a hard time and simply asks, “On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?”

On a scale from one to ten, it’s about a seven right now. Maybe a six. Which is better than yesterday. Worse than the day before. Much better from the day before that.

I’m just existing right now. I don’t think I ever thought I’d be a person who just existed. I just won’t pull the tree out. It’ll keep the bleeding under control.

-Melissa

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Letter.

To the fixers:

Maybe you don’t know what else to do, so you give a suggestion. Maybe my problem seems easy to you. Maybe you can’t relate. Maybe you see an easy solution and you can’t imagine why I haven’t seen it. Maybe I have. Maybe it’s not as easy as you suggest. Maybe I can’t do what you can do. Maybe your solution is just a step in the right direction, but that same solution is surrounded by obstacles in my life. Maybe I don’t need a solution. Maybe I don’t need you to fix this. Maybe you want to help and you want to take control and fix this. Breathe. Just take a breath and be here with me. This can’t be fixed so easily.

To the challengers:

I see my flaws. I know there are many things I need to change. I’m probably more aware of them than you are. You challenge me to have perspective. You challenge me to think in different ways. You challenge me to think passed this. I can do those things. And nothing you are saying is wrong. But you’re invalidating what I’m feeling. I’m in a vulnerable place and you’re telling me, “Hey. I know what you’re feeling. But stop feeling that. Because you haven’t thought about it in this way. You just need some perspective.” I am allowed to feel what I’m feeling. You make me feel like I’m bad because I’m feeling this way. Just stop. Just hear me. Empathize with me.

To the uncomfortable:

You asked me why I was crying. So I told you. So you made a face that said you understood. Then you looked away. And you looked back and talked about something else. You tried to make me laugh. You ignored what I said. I know you’re not comfortable. I know you don’t want to help me carry this burden. Then please don’t ask. If you can’t handle it, please don’t ask me why I have tears in my eyes. Please don’t ask me how I’m doing. Because watching you see my pain and then ignore it? That’s something I can’t handle. So if you want to engage in my pain with me, then please do. But if you don’t want to–if you can’t– then leave me alone.

To the distracted:

You heard me. You not only heard me, but you said all the right things. You are the closest I’ve gotten to feeling a bit of relief from the sadness inside of me. You have gotten my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, I’m not alone. But you are busy. And the hours and the days and the weeks pass by and you seem to forget everything I said to you. When you see me, sometimes I can see you still remember, but you’re hurried. You have to move on to your next task, your next meeting. You say we’ll connect again soon as you pass by. Or you are so busy and distracted that you never follow through. In any way. You don’t even ask how I’m doing. Either be one thing or the other. Either be my friend, or don’t. But do not get my hopes up.

To the listeners:

Where are you?

-Melissa

Dear.

Dear Future Husband,

I feel a stupid writing this. It was acceptable when I was sixteen, but now it just seems pathetic. Even more pathetic because I still don’t know who you are yet. But I need an outlet, so here we are.

I want you. I don’t need you. But I want you to come to me. I know I am fine without you. I know we haven’t found each other yet for a reason. I trust God in that. I know His timing is best. And I truly want what He wants from me, whatever He thinks is best. It’s been proven time and again that His will is much better than mine and I will happily follow His plan. And I will be patient.

But lately it’s been hard. Really hard. 

And I don’t know what to do. Love is everywhere. In the books I read, the tv I watch. And when I think I could just cut those things out of my life, I realize the amount of couples around me. There is no way to escape this.

Every man I meet, I wonder for a moment if he could be you. Just for a moment (most of the time). Do you know how distracting that is? And I don’t know how to stop.

It’s not that I want anything bad. I just want someone to live life with. I want someone’s hand to hold. I want someone to come home to. I want someone to read in bed with. I want someone to take dancing lessons with me. I want someone to offer comfort and safety and security. I want someone to care for. I want someone to depend on.

There are people in my life that have some of those qualities or who can offer some of those thing, but truthfully, I want them all, and more, from you. 

I just wish so badly I didn’t want it so much. 

Part of me can’t believe I haven’t found you yet. I didn’t think it would take this long. And I didn’t know it would be this painful. The worst part is that I just think it will get worse with age. 

So, wherever you are, know that I am longing for you. I’m longing for your presence in my life. And truly hope you’re not having as hard of a time as I am. If you are, I’m so very and truly sorry.

I know we haven’t met, but I miss you. You’re wonderful. 

your love, 

Melissa