Tag Archives: fake


Quietly, I shut the door behind me, the light disappearing as it closed. Silently, I slipped up the steps, hoping this was okay. I had ignored the “authorized personnel only” sign on the door. No one saw me enter and once I was in the balcony, no one below had reason to turn around. I was safe.

One empty chair was there. I grabbed it and began to roll it closer to his, which drew his attention for the first time. Surprise lit his face as he said hello. In typical fashion, he reached for my hand and shook it, doing some handshake I had never been able to catch on to. Then he pulled me closer for a hug and told me it was good to see me. It was good to see him too.

“We’ve missed you.”

I just smiled.

If he had said, “I’ve missed you,” I would have been able to respond that I missed him too. That I wish I could see him more. But he said “we” and I didn’t know who “we” was and I couldn’t say anything polite back while still being truthful. So I just smiled.

If I missed the “we” I assume he was talking about, I wouldn’t have had to sneak up to this vantage point. I could have walked in like a normal person and sat on the ground level in the chairs with all the normal people. But I knew they would be among the normal people, and so I couldn’t.

He was the only one of them I felt comfortable around. The one who had treated me kindly. More than that. He treated me like I had value. He saw beyond what he could get from me and saw into who I was. And not only did he see that, but he accepted that. He accepted me for who I was. He still does. And I can smile and laugh and talk with him without faking everything. He saw me in a world where I had been glanced over. A world in which, if I was seen, it was only to look briefly down on me, as if I was some annoyance to remove. Not worth the time they were forced to devote to me.

Before the show had ended, I felt the need to get out before anyone saw me. I leaned over and whispered that I had to go and he hugged me again. I told him it was good to see him and he told me it was good to see me too. He said, “Come back again” and without thinking, I replied with a simple, “I will.”

And maybe I will. But only when it’s safe. And when there are a couple of people wondering around him that are not safe, I can’t make any guarantees.

I slipped back down the stairs and out the door. Through the lobby, quickly, without even a glance around and made my way outside. As I made it through the double doors unseen, the fresh air hit me and I took a few steps before my air threatened to leave me. I stood still, trying to breathe, a relief at being out running through me and pulling tears to my eyes. I stood for a good moment like that, trying to not let sadness and hurt and disappointment and death and sweet relief overwhelm me.

They sure did do a number on me, didn’t they?

Remember the entry where I wrote about having to leave good things behind when you left bad things? He’s one of the good things. And it sucks having to leave those good things behind.

But I can’t face the bad things.




Occasionally, I do my part in scrolling through Pinterest. And, by ‘occasionally,’ I clearly mean a lot. Probably too much. My favorite category is quotes. I like words. I adore the fact that only 26 letters can make so many words that can be arranged in an infinite number of ways and you can make them say whatever you want.

It’s funny how, even with all the possibilities, we can often find ourselves at a loss. But that’s beside the point.

The point is, in a lot of the quotes lately there seems to be this theme of ‘if you’re positive, life will be positive.’ Yeah, I know. Apparently all you have to do is think happy thoughts and then you’ll be happy.

Wish someone would have told me sooner!

The problem is that this only works for a little while. I mean, maybe for you it works all the time. But for the rest of us… It seems like a bit of wishful thinking with a lot left to be desired. When my mind gets on a train of negative thought, it is almost impossible to derail. The pressure to think positively either pisses me off or weighs me with a guilt I can’t readily escape from. Even when I can get myself to be a bit more positive, it almost just upsets me more because I feel fake.

And what about those that deal with severe depression? Do you really think that telling them to have more happy thoughts will make them happy? There’s no way!

Sure, thinking more positively can have a positive effect on us but to say that it will change our life is just a lie. I’m all for embracing true joy and being grateful for all you have but I also have to take everything else I to account. We were given the ability to have emotion. Being happy all the time can often be a masking of all of the emotion that we have deemed unpleasant.

I know I’m ranting, and for that, I apologize. I just… If I had depression and I kept seeing posts about how if I wanted to be happy, I would just do it, I think I would just feel worse.

And I just don’t want anyone to feel worse.



I usually write about how easy it is for me to fake it and, for the most part, that’s true. It’s been true for every instance in which I’ve previously mentioned it.

But with some things, it’s not so easy.

Some things like this.

Because it’s not easy for me to act like this is okay. It’s not easy for me to see the position I should hold and act like it’s just fine and dandy that I’m not in it. It’s not easy for me to see things that are blatantly unfair and practice the art of holding my tongue.

I’d rather not.

I’d rather tell you how horribly you treat people like me. I’d rather call you out and explain how you are a liar. I’d rather list out for you all of the things that you do wrong.

I’d rather tell you how deeply you’ve hurt me. How you’ve taken what little confidence I had and destroyed it. How you’ve lied to my face and smiled like it was alright.

You know, I’d rather explain to you how you’re worshipped in your own right. I’d explain how wrong that is. I’d explain to you how you, despite your opinion and others, are merely a human being just like the rest of us. I’d tell you of how much a hypocrite you are, saying you are humble yet letting the worship continue, encouraging it. Almost dictating it.

Oh and your sweet little followers! Praising your every move, knowingly blinding themselves to all the wrong you do and all the hurt you cause! Submitting to your every word, no matter the consequences! Spinelessly backing down whenever you put yourself over them, all the while letting your words tell them you are equals!

Oh, and I used to be one of them.

Not anymore. No way in hell will I worship you the way they do. You, again, are merely a human being, no better than the rest of us. And you may pretend you’re better than the rest of us, you may even believe it on some level, but I know better. I will not be fooled into again into thinking that you are anything special.

Some day, you will realize all the pain and hurt you caused. Some day you will finally admit that you are the most unfair person that you know. Some day you will get off the pedestal that you and others have created for you.

Some day your feet will actually touch the ground and you will wonder at all the wrong you’ve done.