Tag Archives: Family

Robbed.

I could feel shock go through me. My eyes grew wide, my mouth gaped for a moment, and I asked him to repeat himself.

He did. He hadn’t realized I didn’t know.

How was I supposed to know? You haven’t spoken to me in over a year.

Tears came to my eyes immediately, but I quickly composed myself and focused my attention back to him. This wasn’t about you. This conversation was about what he was saying to me, about the life changes he was going through. And I could give him my complete attention.

A little while later though, my mind repeated the same phrase over and over again. Instead of your name, I kept saying “my best friend.”

But really? You? You’re my best friend? You? Of all people? You who left me without looking back? You who made one horrible life decision after another? You who deserted me? You who turned your back on the support I offered you? You who dismissed people who have always loved you? You who robbed me of the honor and blessing of sharing this life together with our other friends and family? You who I called brother unabashedly and proudly only to be tossed aside as if I were someone you knew for a day?

No. No, you’re not my best friend. ‘Friend’ is a sacred word to me and it will be reserved for those who care for me and allow me to care for them.

I have learned one thing within the past fourteen months: You are not the person I thought you were.

-Melissa

Fog.

When I was in early high school, I was still riding the bus because I couldn’t drive yet. I remember some mornings, I would walk outside to wait for the bus driver and the air would be thick with fog. The kind of fog that covers everything. We would ride to school and I couldn’t see anything. I couldn’t even see the school until we were pulling into the parking lot. And it seemed like it was popping up out of nowhere.

I think fog is pretty fascinating. I don’t know why. It’s always just seemed to contain some sort of mystery to me. You see, I think there are two sides of fog.

The first is comforting. It wraps itself around you; keeps you to itself. It’s inclusive. It welcomes you in and forms to fit you. It envelopes you with it’s presence and you’re safe.

The second is terrifying. It blinds you to everything around you. It steels your senses from you and forces you to go in blind. It isolates you. It offers no warning for the danger that could be lurking just out of your sight.

I kind of had a family emergency this week. That’s a lot more like the second side of fog than the first. It settles upon you without warning and catches you off guard and, senseless, you fumble through the blinding mist trying to find something familiar. When this happens, if you and your friend and family are Christian, people tell you to pray. And you should, they’re right. But sometimes, I just can’t. It’s hard for me to focus on anything because my mind is either spinning or it’s numb. And, especially at the start of it, I could barely talk about it. My words were slow and I left long pauses in between them because my thoughts weren’t… there. I can’t think. So it’s hard for me to pray, even though I really need to.

And you know what? I really think that’s okay.

Because I think God’s presence can be like the first side of fog. I think He surrounds us on every side and becomes as close as our breath. I think He wraps us in Himself and becomes a think blanket of comfort. In the midst of confusion and chaos, He’s there, holding our heads up or sitting next to us as we stare blankly into space, not being able to think. And, truthfully, in those moments, I think it’s enough to invite Him into that numbness with you. To simply utter, “Could You just sit with me for a while?” and rest in His presence. I think He has more than enough grace for that.

I also believe that, in distress, it’s the responsibility of others to pray for you. I pray for others a lot and so I hope when I can’t pray, they’re stepping up to pray for me. I just think that’s how it’s supposed to work.

“What can I do with my obsession with the things I cannot see? Is there a madness in my being? Is it the wind that moves the trees? Sometimes You’re further than the moon, sometimes You’re closer than my skin. And You surround me like a winter fog; You’ve come and burned me with a kiss. And my heart burns for You. And my heart burns… for You.” // David Crowder

-Melissa

Homesick.

Let’s get one thing straight: I’m never homesick.

I probably should but I just never have been. Even when I was little, even when I went to camp for the first time by myself, I didn’t miss home. I’m too independent for that I guess.

So imagine my surprise when I just got a picture if my dad blowing out his birthday candles and had that feeling in my chest that there were going to be tears in my eyes soon.

I just talked on the phone with the family two minutes before because I have to lead the birthday song, even when I’m not there. It was a rather short conversation- just singing happy birthday and then hanging up, my mother promising to send the before mentioned picture. And I’ve done this before. I’ve missed a few birthdays. But they always call and I always lead the song.

I think it’s something about birthdays. I never used to like birthdays. Well, my own. I like other peoples. And my family always does birthdays together. Nothing big. Just cake, ice cream, and pictures.

Birthdays are just… They’re a reason to let people know you care about them. Yes, you should do that everyday. But on someone’s birthday, they’re supposed to get to feel special all day long. On people’s birthdays, they should feel like people want them in the world. Like everyone they love is on their side. They should get to feel like the sun rose just for them on that day. And I like my family, you know? I like them a lot. But I never get homesick.

Except on their birthdays.

-Melissa

Eve.

If you have ever had someone you love treat you poorly in any way, for the depth of my heart, I am so incredibly sorry.

To love someone who is selfish beyond belief and who can be very cruel is more painful than I can describe. I love someone very deeply because of who he is in my life, but not at all for his actions. It’s getting to the point that I cannot stand to be around him because I am hurt by his words so often. He rubs me in all of the wrong ways.

I think what only makes it worse is that I know how someone in his position is supposed to treat someone like me. I see it played out by different people in my life. I’m old enough to know what’s good and what’s bad. I’m old enough to know that this is not normal.

I’m old enough to know that I cannot take it much longer.

It’s Christmas Eve. I hope you get to see your family. I hope it’s a time of love and joy and hope. But I am not stupid enough to believe that that is the case for every person that reads this. So if you’re having a horrible day today too, know that you are not alone. Know to stand tall. Be the bigger person, even though you shouldn’t have to be. If you can, go off by yourself for a few minutes and take a few deep breaths and wait there until your hands stop shaking. You’ll make it through this.

We’ll make it through this.

-Melissa