Tag Archives: fight

Helpless.

“How dare you.

There was a tragedy placed before me and those were the three words that rang through my mind. They were at the very forefront, refusing to be ignored.

“How dare you.”

I filled in the silence that followed:

“How dare you be so selfish. How dare you be so wrapped up in your own damn mind that, even as this story is being shared with you, you can’t push away your pain. How dare you be holding back tears because of your ‘pain’ when there are so many people in this world who are going through SO MUCH WORSE things than you. You are being selfish. You need to get outside yourself. You need to be there for the people around you. You are so consumed with the fact that no one has reached out to you that you’ve stopped reaching out to others. You’ve isolated yourself. You can barely handle other people’s pain because you can’t handle your own. How dare you. You are supposed to be able to carry other people burdens. Why can’t you put yours aside for a moment? Why can’t you get out of your own head? You should be taking care of people- loving people. Isn’t that what you do? You haven’t been doing that lately. You don’t even care about the people around you. You’re being selfish, only caring about yourself. How dare you. This is not how you are supposed to act. You need to snap out of this. It’s ridiculous. You need to get up. You need to do something. All you want is for someone to see you and, yet, you keep to yourself. You want people to ask how you are and then lie when they do. How dare you. How dare you get so wrapped up in your own problems like this. You are supposed to be better than this. What you are dealing with is nothing- NOTHING- compared to other peoples pain. How dare you. How dare you. How dare you.

I had no words to fight back and other peoples pain layered itself on my own and tears came to my eyes and weight came to my arms and my hands shook and my breath fought against me and I tried to think of ways I could help and my mind swirled and I wondered if there was anything that could be done and sadness hit me again and again and again until I fell. Helpless.

-Melissa

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Three.

Once.

You had me at hello

Once

I can see the moment

Perfectly held

Perfectly preserved

Once

To stay indefinately

Oh, honest?

Much longer

But he, in that image,

Ceases to be

And me, in that image,

Long gone, my dear

You have become merely a whisper

Of worry once held

Laughter now is laced with freedom

Once, it was with longing

Once

But yesterday is more distant

Today is tomorrow

Once is a memory

And once was enough

Refuse.

Just a whisper

Not heard, but seen

I embrace anxiety like an old friend

Warm and inviting

Your pain filling my chest

Spreading through each vein

Until every bit of me is shaking

You ask for words

I have none

Nothing to ease this moment

Nothing to stop your pain

Or this shaking

My breath soon leaves me

Unbearable worry to blame

I refuse to be consumed.

So I fight for breath

I fight for words

I’ll fight for you

Your pain as an effective fuel

Helpless in reality

Nothing to offer but presense

Nothing to offer but prayer

(And I’ve heard prayer moves mountains)

Fool.

I’m so f***ing invincible

Because I have to be

Powerful, able

I can’t be overcome

Strong, I stand firm

Unyeilding

Able to lift and then

Carry along the weight

Of the world

Without breaking

I don’t even come close

Nothing can hurt me

Nothing can touch me

I’m unreachable

I am quite aware

I’m not fooling you

I’m probably not fooling

Anyone

But let me fool myself

Let me believe I can’t be broken

The hope is when hurt

Surrounds me on every side

I won’t feel it when it hits

-Melissa

Bees.

I do this thing where I’ll just be sitting there and I’ll gasp suddenly. It scares people. It only happens when I’m just sitting there. Someone once told me it was an anxiety thing… I have no clue if I believe her or not, just because I never knew if I should believe half of what she said.

Either way, that’s been happening with annoying frequency today.

So I was just sitting on my futon, thinking about regulating my breathing, when I heard it. A buzzing noise. Best case senario, a fly was caught in my fan. I was hoping it would just go away if I didn’t acknowledge it. But it just kept buzzing. I looked around my room, trying to locate the noise when I saw it: a giant bug flitting around on my wall.

It didn’t take long for the flight or fight response to kick in. I literally ran from the room.

I’m afraid of a lot of things but one thing is for sure- bees are pretty darn high on that list. Terrified. So clearly, if it was a bee, I was not going to be able to sleep in that room unless it wasn’t there.

Unhelpful thoughts of, “This is why I need a man” raced around the more logical, helpful thoughts of how to get it out. And preferably dead.

I grabbed a roommates shoe and slowly tip toed back into my room. I sat down in the edge of my futon and waited until it revealed itself. Finally, my eyes found it, in the corner of one of my picture frames.

How in the world was I supposed to smash it there?

I got the vacuum from the closest and found it had one of those tube attachments. That was exciting. But I couldn’t get myself close enough to get the thing.

My roommate ended up smashing it with a hand towel as I stood outside of the room shuddering, Honestly the biggest bee either of us has ever seen. It was terrifying. I’m just starting to clam down, though I feel like bugs are crawling on me and every time one of the two lady bugs in my room moves, I jump.

Clearly this isn’t helping with the breathing thing.

Bees make sense. When I see them, I get scared. I shudder. I freeze. I run. It makes sense.

If the breathing thing is anxiety, it’s anxiety over something I’m not thinking about. This is frustrating. If I don’t know why it’s happening, how am I supposed to stop it? And honestly, it was happening so much in class today that I thought someone was going to say something. I hate it. And I feel like it’s amped up lately. Nothing was even wrong today.

Bees make sense. If they sting me, I could have an allergic reaction and that would be bad.

But the fears that aren’t tangible? I can’t get my roommate to kill those.

-Melissa