I do much better in the daylight.
But it was dark. And cold. All the curtains were drawn so that no one could see in. It was meant to keep them out. But I was kept in. And I was very aware of my heartbeat.
Calm down. You’re fine.
I was fine. I’m fine. I. am. fine. My breath though… it was more shallow than normal. My heart rate was speeding up.
Would you stop? You’re fine.
Yes, I had to stop. But my head felt funny. I couldn’t think straight. Why couldn’t I breathe like a normal person? Why could I feel my heartbeat so clearly? Am I okay? What should I do? I can’t sit hear anymore. Pacing. No stop. I’m fine. Am I safe here? I can’t stand anymore. Sitting. The floor.
For goodness sake. You’re fine. You know you’re fine. You’re being dramatic. Just breathe.
Just breathe… I can’t! I can’t get enough air. Why is my breath so shallow? Aren’t I breathing? My chest hurts. Should I… call someone? Text someone? What would I even sa–
No! You are fine. You are in control. You do not need to get a hold of anyone. No one would be able to do anything anyway. And you know that it’s no big deal! You’re working yourself up for nothing! It’s all in your head. You are fine! Pull yourself together. Why are you so dramatic?! Just breathe like a normal person!
How do I calm down? I want something… comforting. Something warm.
Tea… Tea. Do I have tea? Why didn’t I bring tea! Why didn’t I bring enough of anything?! I’m supposed to be more prepared than this!
Your backpack. Are there still some tea bags in your backpack?
Backpack…. Yes! There’s tea. Lemon.
Good. Go make it and calm down.
Dissect me of myself.
Pull me apart and embed yourself inside of me and scoop away all of the unwanted, unneeded filth that rests in my bones. Empty me of the blood that runs through my veins and fill it with your own. Remove my heart and order a transplant for something better. Something that more closely resembles you.
I am not satisfied with the person I am: so self consumed. Rid me of myself. Take away my thoughts and fill my head with yours.
I don’t want to be my own person. All I want to do is reflect You.
He is the kind of person who just makes you laugh. He has a good heart and he’s a total goof and he makes you feel better just by talking to him. He’s marrying one of my good friends this summer and they make such a wonderful couple and I can’t wait until I get to see them start living married life together.
They’re the kind of friends I hope I’m friends with forever, you know?
Anyway, I don’t know him as well as I know her, which is fair because I lived with her for a year and a half. I have had a couple classes with him, but we’ve never really talked a whole lot outside of those classes.
The other day though, we ran into each other as we were walking back to our apartments and I remembered I had a couple of books I borrowed from him, so he followed me upstairs. We stood in the living room for a while, talking and laughing, because, again, he’s a total goof. He told me stories of his fiancé and how he got the ring and it was really adorable because he just loves her so much!
Then, I’m not sure what line of conversation got him to this, but he was suddenly in front of me, pointing his finger in my face, as he told me how great I was. And I tried to roll my eyes and laugh him off, but he refused to be put off. He kept saying all of this nice stuff about me, a lot of which I don’t remember now.
Part of me refused to even listen (which is probably why I don’t remember a lot of what he said) because I don’t believe it. Or I can’t believe it. Or I refuse to accept it. I don’t know.
But part of me really appreciated it. People just don’t talk like that, you know? They don’t give really personal and sincere compliments. I mean, surface level and slightly deeper compliments, sure. Of course. But real compliments? The kind that compliment you as a person? Your character? Your heart? People just don’t do that.
Maybe we should.