Tag Archives: sleep


I don’t really ever expect to sleep well.

That’s probably not good. I mean, there’s most likely something true about wishful thinking. So I really shouldn’t say things like that. Or then again, maybe I’m too superstitious.

Either way, in saying that, it’s not really a surprise to me that I haven’t slept through the night this week. It hasn’t been bad at all though. Usually I wake up and turn off my mp3 player and then fall back asleep. No big deal. So really, I’ve been sleeping pretty well this week. The actual sleeping hasn’t been a problem.

The problem is the dreaming.

I used to dream a lot, or at least a good amount compared to others I would talk to. And I used to remember a lot of my dreams and analyze them endlessly. I liked that. I wouldn’t mind doing that again.

But I can’t really remember the dreams I’ve had in the past week. It’s more of the fact that I remember the feelings they invoke in me.

How weird does that sound?

I wake up feeling… fearful I think. Maybe a little disgusted. The kind of feeling that makes you shudder. It’s like my mind won’t completely wrap around the feeling, I just know I don’t like it. I also wake up feeling guilty. Like, really guilty. I don’t know why. The first dream had to do with my sister- like I had wronged her in some way and I felt horrible. The first night was the worst. The nights following haven’t been as bad but I’ll remember the feeling randomly later and kind of cringe. I don’t know what set these dreams off. I don’t know why I’m having them. I don’t normally have bad dreams. And these certainly aren’t nightmares by any stretch of the imagination– I mean, clearly, I can’t even remember them. But I don’t feel good when I think about them. I even got kind of anxious thinking about going to bed last night. I didn’t want to deal with another dream. And last night wasn’t fun because of that. I was just watching tv and guilt was consuming me. I couldn’t think of anything to do. I wanted to make something but I don’t have anything to make things with. I finally settled on my drawing pad and a pencil and I doodled designs for over an hour and that helped me calm down a little bit.

I just wish I wasn’t so sensitive to things sometimes. Dreams you can’t even remember shouldn’t effect you.

But I’ve never been prone to make sense.




I hate not being able to sleep. I’ve had a few bad nights this week but last night was the worst. I was up for three and a half hours in the middle of the night for no good reason. I tried reading and watching my favorite movie. I even went down and ate breakfast at four thirty in the morning. I was just restless and uncomfortable. For no reason. I hate it.

I’ve been exhausted all day, which also isn’t pleasant. This is mainly because I find I am completely emotionally unstable when I’m this tired. It’s pathetic.

Now I’m just waiting until it’s dark enough outside that I can try to sleep again.

I want to go away. Somewhere far and new. Somewhere where I don’t know anyone so I don’t have to worry about anyone. And I want to not feel bad about all I leave behind. I want to not care. Throw caution to the wind. Do whatever I want.

I don’t know where I would go. Europe maybe. Find a tiny, tiny flat that cost almost nothing. Find a job that’s easy and low profile.

Maybe Washington. I’ve heard it’s gorgeous there. I feel like it would have really cold winters but I like the cold so that’s okay. I think there are lots of trees and mountains so that would be wonderful.

And I would want to have money. Lots of it. That sounds incredibly selfish but I just don’t want to have to depend on anyone or ask anyone for help or owe anyone anything. I didn’t mean to now. I just can’t help it. I don’t even know if I could have changed anything if I could redo everything.

Maybe Nevada. There are ranches out there, right? Maybe I could be a ranch hand. Or help cook for ranch hands. Then I could learn how to ride horses and I could just ride through the fields for hours. And I could learn how people from Nevada actually pronounce Nevada.

I think it’s dark enough to sleep now.

I’m just…. I’m just so tired.